Sunday, July 25, 2010

A Day at Glenn Beck Elementary


By now, you have probably heard that Glenn Beck has started his own online university. Its motto is Faith, Hope, and Charity. Incidentally, a Sunday school teacher of mine from back in the day had a daughter with that very name. Isn't that nutty? Speaking of nutty, Glenn Beck has created an online university! It's not a real university where students earn credits, because college educations are for Communists and are at least the second most dangerous thing in America. Instead, it's just videos of three guys telling paid customers, called Insider Extremists, what hope, faith and charity are. Yes, three classes each on hope, faith, and charity. It should surprise no one that Glenn Beck thinks he has something to teach people who are old enough to use a credit card, because he's an egomaniac. In the interest of learning how to crawl before learning to walk, I think he should have created an elementary school first, because I don't think he's ready for higher learning. I wonder what a day at Glenn Beck Elementary would be like . . . .

In Language Arts, children would learn about such anti-Communist literary heroes as The Little Red Hen. You know her, right? She's the one who asked for help baking bread, and no one helped her. At the end of the story, she asks if anyone wants to help her eat the bread, and they all say "I do!" Then, she tells them all to go fuck themselves. The lesson is, they didn't help her make the bread, so they don't get to eat any of it. It's an important value to teach 6-year-olds to stop freeloading off of their parents and learn to use the stove themselves.

Then, it's time for Math. At Glenn Beck Elementary, being able to use numbers in one's daily life is very important. Students will be able to calculate how many illegal immigrants live in their neighborhoods, how many White babies they'll need to have to forestall brown folks becoming the majority, and how many webs of conspiracy theories one can make with a single box of chalk.

Only because this fascist state demands it, all of the students have to take Health. In an attempt to stick it to The Man, Glenn Beck Elementary school teachers tell kids the truth about nutrition. For example, the secret about candy is that it's really good for you. Dentists just say that sugar candy rots your teeth, because they want to keep all the candy for themselves. And people who exercise are the ones to blame for our nation's sky-rocketing healthcare costs, what with all their sport-related injuries. Oh, wait. That was Rush. Either way, no recess at Glenn Beck Elementary!

After Health comes Science, where students learn to separate fact from fiction. Evolution? Just a theory! Gravity? Just a theory! Climate change? Fascism! Thunder? Angels bowling!

The day is almost over, and now it's time for History. At Glenn Beck Elementary, students will learn about all of the great Americans that helped shape this country. There was civil rights hero Martin Luther King, Jr. He was kind of like Glenn Beck. And radical political thinker Thomas Paine. He was kind of like Glenn Beck too (Really? Whatever you say.). And one of our greatest founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin. That guy was a lot like Glenn Beck. And Revolutionary War hero Paul Revere. Just like Glenn Beck.

But really. Any old school teaches history. What makes Glenn Beck Elementary so great is that the kids in that school learn Future. In Future class, students will learn how Glenn Beck will reclaim the civil rights movement for White folks. Glenn Beck Elementary students will also be challenged to imagine what America will look like this Christmas, and next Christmas. And your children will surely get an A+ in Future, because name one damn thing that Glenn Beck has said that hasn't happened!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Take Action Today

I missed my blog's 2nd birthday, which I believe was on the 9th. Am I entering the terrible twos?

Tell President Obama to reinstate abortion coverage in high risk pools.

Urge your Senators to pass a clean energy bill.

Support the DREAM Act.

Tell your Representative to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Anti-Feminist Dating Service: Mel Gibson

Guess who's back on the market? Mel Gibson! Yeah! Mel Gibson the movie star! And, I assume, future Just For Men spokesman! And I just can't believe that anybody would let this guy get away, because he really knows how to make a gal feel special. Here's Mel pitching woo to his lady, who just doesn't seem to appreciate his colorful imagination.

You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault.

Poetry. The only thing that would make this hotter is if instead of just wishing rape on a potential mate, he'd quit beating around the bush and threaten to rape her himself.

I am going to come and burn the house down, but you will blow me first.

That's the spot. And now that's he's under investigation for domestic violence, I'm sure his phone will be very busy. So if you're a lady lawyer, Mel could be verbally assaulting you in no time.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Praising Gogol Bordello's Decision to Boycott Arizona

Earlier this week, the gypsy punk band Gogol Bordello announced on their Facebook page that they would not be playing any concerts in Arizona because of their racist immigration law, S.B. 1070. I am one of the over 600 people who "liked" their status, but the comments left on their Facebook page were a mixture of praise and whining (you probably need a Facebook account to see the comments, but I assure you the following comments are accurate. I'm not going to post names). Some people felt they were being "screwed over."

You guys aren't helping. All you're doing is stiffing the local promoters and the fans, which in turn just hurts us(not to mention our screwed local economy) instead of helping the cause. Screwing us over won't overturn a law we had no say in. That's not fair.

Here's a white guy in Arizona claiming he didn't have a vote! See, because that's what a representative government is. The citizens vote for representatives and the governor and urge them to vote and sign legislation to your liking. And if you didn't do that, then sucks to be an Arizonan, huh? But you know what's really unfair? Getting locked in a detention center because you have brown skin.

Here's someone with some sense:

If you live in AZ and it makes you sad, then make some noise and get SB1070 OVERTURNED so people aren't afraid to travel to your state.

Precisely, because if there ever was a band so conspicuous in style of music and attire, it's Gogol Bordello.


Every single one of these folks would be stopped and asked for their papers because of their strange clothes and shoes (6:06), not to mention accents. But one comment got me particularly perturbed:

I though[t] Gogol would be behind this. Seeing as how you and your family did everything legally and took the time and effort to do so. if i was an immigrant i would be very angry at illegal immigration. it would feel like a slap in my face, "oh you did it legally like responsible people? well screw you i am more important than you and i don't have the time to wait to do the paperwork."

The last part I get, the part about people not having the time to do the paperwork before they get out of their home country. And one of those people is Eugene Hutz, lead singer of the band (he's the one in the front of the photo with the fire bucket), and his family. They left Ukraine after the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. Talk about not having time to wait to do the paperwork, when you're running away from a mushroom cloud. They spent in refugee camps in three different countries before finally settling in Vermont. Eugene and his family are among the lucky immigrants who survived a nuclear explosion and refugee life.

Many immigrants don't have those resources. They escape war, systemic rape, genocide, and more to come to the United States and other stable nations for a better life. Many of these immigrants are denied asylum and are desperate to come to the country under any means necessary. So I'm pretty sure Eugene Hutz is empathetic to the plights of immigrants who are trying to escape turmoil in pursuit of happiness. If only that were guaranteed in some long-standing American document.

Because I love Gogol Bordello's music and the fact that they are boycotting Arizona until they overturn this ridiculously racist law, I'm going to update my above playlist with some of my favorite songs of theirs. Unfortunately, playlist.com doesn't have much from Trans-Continental Hustle. Enjoy anyway!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Vietnamese Acupuncturist Discovers Male Hymen!

An acupuncturist in Vietnam claims that red spots on a man's ear means he's a virgin. She used her amazing discovery to free three convicted rapists, including one who was sentenced to 16 years in prison for being involved in a gang rape of a 20-year-old. Isn't that crazy? A guy getting a 16-year prison sentence for rape? Sixteen months, if he were in America.

Stranger still, she threatened to light herself on fire if the rapists' cases weren't reopened. If I were the president of Vietnam, I'd have sent her some lighter fluid and matches and wished her a happy Independence Day. But the real president of Vietnam reopened the men's cases, and the men were subsequently freed.

I'm wondering why one acupuncturist has more power than the rule of law, or the women who were raped by these "virgins."