Shorter Kevin Hogan: Every Woman is Secretly Telling You that They Want to Fuck You, Even if It's Just a Little

via Feministing

I don't really expect anything more from a blog post brought to you by an Axe body spray product, but come on. Some site called Asylum.com talked to a body language expert named Kevin Hogan to help really inept men figure out what women are telling them, without all the work and frustration that goes into listening to them talk. According to Hogan, a woman can't stand or sit without inviting sexual advances from strange men.

"She's non-consciously drawing attention to her neck, which is a bit of an invitation," says Hogan. "That, combined with her very off-balance posture, could be interpreted that she likes you and trusts you."

Or maybe she's checking her pulse as she's listening to you go on and on about the sophisticated system you created to rank the Kardashian sisters (Really? Tits to Ass Ratio? You don't say!). But let's not take her word for it. Nick Hogan is here to relieve you of the burden of wondering why you stand like that. Such thoughts used to consume me. Please, tell me more.

"She is prepared to be obedient," he says. "Her hands are keeping her posture straight and completely open and her neck is completely exposed. That's as open an invitation as she can give you."

You know, without her actually telling you with words. But if you thought she'd fuck you now, wait until you see her sit like this . . .

This laid-back stance signifies that this woman is "aggressively flirting with you," our expert tells us. "She shows you her body, but blocks it with her right arm offering you a small hurdle to get past to get the prize."

I was sitting very much like this on a rock ledge not long ago, eating a frozen yogurt parfait and watching a bluegrass band performing outside of the fair trade tea salon and market. That's why all those hippies followed me home! Oh, wait. That didn't happen.

But this is my favorite. Lest you think that all hope is lost when you make her recoil in horror, consider this.


Either you just said something offensive or your breath is bad. This is obvious because the woman has leaned away from you in addition to crossing her arms. Luckily, "Her feet are still pointed toward you, forgiving your boorish behavior," says Hogan.

Gee, what could he be saying here? "Do you like 3Oh!3? They're my favorite band!" "Yeah, I pretty much watch everything on G4, except Ninja Warrior. That show blows." "You like how I smell? It's Axe shower gel. I can write more poems like that if you want."

For all the confidence and advice that men's websites and blogs are supposed to give guys, they're really just making things more complicated (and making a lot of guys infinitely creepier and more likely to think nonconsensual sex is just fine). If you're looking for a friend or a girlfriend, just start talking to them. See where the conversation goes. It'll only take a few minutes of actual conversation for you to figure out if this person is someone you want to spend more than a few minutes with. Instead of looking at where her hand is or how much of her weight is distributed to her right side or in which direction her left big toe is pointing, LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

A Feminist Christmas List

Liz ODonnell from Care2 authored this cute feminist Christmas list. It has most of the stuff I'd want, although I'd prefer those D&G pumps in a 6 1/2 :)

Dear Santa:

I've been good all year. I worked hard even though I earned less than my male coworkers. Sure I called out when the kids got sick, but I checked my work email all day.

I took care of myself and got my yearly physical despite paying higher, gender-based premiums. I even managed to exercise 12 times.

I called my Senators and told them to vote no on Stupak-like anti-abortion amendments and yes on healthcare reform.

I voted in every election -- and for strong women candidates too.

I signed petitions to end human-trafficking, stop domestic violence and make rape kits more accessible.

I wore red for equal pay awareness, pink for breast cancer awareness and teal for ovarian cancer awareness (and I do NOT look good in teal.)

I stopped buying Isotoner products when the company fired a woman for pumping, drank only Diet Coke after Pepsi created a sexist app for the IPhone, and I won't let my husband wear Dockers anymore because of the company's ridiculous "Man-ifesto." (I guess I wear the pants in this house!)

Speaking of my house, I know it was a mess all year. But I read a study that said men are doing more housework than ever before, so I thought I could slack a little.

Santa, I think you will agree I deserve a few presents this year, so here is my Christmas wish list:

Healthcare reform that affords all women equal coverage for equal premiums and doesn't compromise women's reproductive rights

Passage of the Paycheck Fairness Act and equal pay for equal work

A strong slate of women candidates and women-friendly candidates for the 2010 elections

A critical mass of women CEOs, corporate directors, op-ed contributors and professors

Affordable child care

Paid sick days for all workers

An end to domestic violence, human trafficking and street harassment

Passage of the Justice for Survivors of Sexual Assault Act of 2009 to eliminate rape kit backlog

World peace

And, if you think I've been very good, a pair of Dolce & Gabbana patent pumps in rosa/geranio size 9.

Thanks Santa. Oh, and don’t forget to check my mantle when you stop by for some chocolate chip cookies (they're store-bought because, hey, I'm busy) and milk (soy of course).

Merry Christmas,

5 Words You Need to Use to Win at Feministing

There's a little bit of a blog war between Feministing and Voz_Latina over anti-trans/cis-centered comments left by Feministing users in posts about trans issues. Honestly, I don't think bloggers are responsible for the people who comment. They're only responsible for what they write. But that's not really the point. No one's going to argue that the editors at Feministing sufficiently report on trans issues, because they don't. This wouldn't be a problem if they didn't update their blog 80 times a day and pass themselves off as all-inclusive. But anyway . . . .

Feministing has fixed their trans issue comment problem. They've issued a moratorium on comments in posts about trans issues. Because there's nothing worse than having a discussion about things that all of us could understand better. But there are still a few words you're allowed to use without getting banned or yelled at. Five words to be exact, and I guarantee that if you use any of these words or their derivatives, in any context, no less than 10 people will click "I liked this comment." 

1. Objectification

2. Privilege

3. Heteronormative

4. Cisexist

5. Othering

I can hear you now. "But, Emily. I don't really know what any of these words mean. How can I pwn in the Feministing community without knowing what the fuck I'm talking about?" The beauty of this system is that you don't have to know what these words mean or what the fuck you're talking about, because very few of the people who are reading the comments know what these words mean or what the fuck they're talking about. You just have to use these words, and people will like your comment to make sure they're not othering you in their own privileged, objectifying way.

The Palins: The New Traditional Family

Disclaimer: This post is going to be about Bristol Palin and her pregnancy. Some might say, "Kids are off the table! How can you be talking about such personal affairs?" Well, as long as the contents of my uterus are on Sarah Palin's table, so will the contents of Bristol's.

What if the religious conservatives actually practiced what they preached? For one, Master of Asshatery James Dobson of Focus on the [Heterosexual] Family wouldn't be having an orgasm over Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, getting pregnant out of wedlock:

That is what the Palins are doing, and they should be commended once again for not just talking about their pro-life and pro-family values, but living them out even in the midst of trying circumstances.

Hold the phone, "Doctor." I thought pro-life and pro-family values were all about abstinence until straight marriage and whatnot. That's what Dobson and the Palin family want to shove down everybody's throat. The thing is, Dobson, the Palins, and other abstinence-only advocates know that abstinence-until-marriage education doesn't work in delaying sexual activity. That's why conservative Christians have to redefine a traditional family to fit what's happening to America's new favorite pro-life family and the rest of the real world. It's encouraging that they've finally caught up, isn't it?

So what is the new traditional family? Well, it's a lot like the old traditional family -- but with more surprises!

1. It's still heterosexual. Very heterosexual. Not only does the new traditional husband and wife have lots of kids, even those kids are having kids. Let's just say the walls in the governor's mansion have to be really thick to accomodate the new tradtional family.

2. There are still grandparents. But where the old traditional grandparents are usually in their 60's, the new traditional grandparents are in their 40's. Looks like Sarah Palin is going to need one of these T-shirts.

3. The extended family is important to the old traditional family, so aunts and uncles are in the new traditional family too. And the new tradtional family just can't wait to grow. Bristol Palin couldn't even wait a year to give new baby brother Trig a niece or nephew!

4. And lastly, the new traditional family is still made up of hypocrites. They still want to push their values of abstinence-until-marriage on the country without practicing them themselves. They still want to push their anti-choice agenda on American women, even though they believe their own pregnancies are their personal business. Now those are some family values!

Pro-Lie Legislation (that's not a typo)

via The Washington Post

For women in South Dakota, getting an abortion just got more difficult.

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit last week lifted a preliminary injunction that prevented the language from taking effect. A spokesman for Planned Parenthood, which runs the state's only abortion clinic, said doctors will begin reciting the script to patients as early as this week.

In addition to having to view an ultrasound picture of the embryo, women seeking abortion in South Dakota will have to be told the following things no eariler than 2 hours before the procedure:

1. That the abortion will terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique,
   living human being;
2. That [the patient]has an existing relationship with that unborn human
   being and that the relationship enjoys protection under the United States
   Constitution and under the laws of South Dakota;
3. That by having an abortion, her existing relationship and her existing
   constitutional rights with regards to that relationship will be
   terminated . . .
4. That there is an increased risk of depression and suicide after abortion
   

None of these statements are unequivocally true. The fourth statement is 100% false, while the rest are, at best, matters of opinion. And notice how no such legislation exists for women who choose to give birth. Don't they need to be coerced, guilt-tripped, and lied to as well? I think so. That's why I propose the following legislation. Like South Dakota's law, this one will not be confined by things like facts or observable reality.

During every prenatal visit at a doctor's office, pregnant women must watch an episode of Supernanny. Then, they must be given the following information:

1. Many more women die from childbirth than from abortion.

2. 100% of women who have ever suffered from post-partum depression and post-partum psychosis have given birth soon before the onset of their symptoms.

3. Kids are fucking expensive.

4. Giving birth too many times can make your vagina turn inside out.

5. Giving birth causes baby unicorns to get run over by landscapers on their giant riding lawnmowers, which, in turn, causes lightning to strike one of your loved ones. The jury's still out on whether or not the lightning strikes kills that loved -- but do you really want to take that chance?!

6. If you have a kid, there's a chance a Republican president will send her or him to fight, and possibly die, in a senseless war that kills 10 times more civilians than actual enemies.

7. Hannah Montana, Flavor Flav, That's Amore, Tila Tequila, Tyra Banks, Dr. Phil, Maury, Hogan Knows Best, Rock of Love, Ron Paul. Now do you want to bring a child into this scary world? Didn't think so!

In this legislation, "vagina" is defined as "a woman's down there lady parts, or hoo-ha."

15 Easy Steps to Achieve Complete Insanity

Who doesn't love a good list? I make a list of things to do every day. But OK! magazine's 15 Tips for Getting (and Keeping) a Guy is so ridiculous that I nearly peed myself. The four-page article is actually written with country singer and American Idol winner (should've been Bo, damnit) Carrie Underwood, which is funny in itself. If she or any other woman seriously attempted these tips, the only guy she'd get and keep is the one dragging her off to the psych ward. The contradictions in this list, if followed, are enough to make anybody go mental.

1. Be confident -- or fake it! . . . [Relationship expert Matt] Titus suggests repeating this mantra: "My self-confidence, self-esteem and overall image of who I am will not be shaped by the opinions of men. If a guy doesn't like me because of the way I look or the way I am, there must be somthing wrong with him!"

Did I mention all the tips are in pink? *sigh* Anyway, you know when a list starts out like this, the rest of it's going to be about how you should judge yourself on the opinions of men and that there's something wrong with you if you can't "get and keep" one. I mean, isn't that the whole point of this list anyway?

2. It's okay to be one of the guys . . . [B]urping and ordering double cheesburgers while screaming for your favorite team needs to be part of your personality that he sees after that "girly girl" side.

But don't be too confident and don't be too much like one of the guys because . . . .

3. Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body . . . [N]o guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy. Men love curves.

Pffffffffffffff. That's the sound of the self-esteem of the women who take this seriously deflating. Let's skip ahead.

7. Focus on him. When you're on a date, act like the person you're with is the only person in the world . . . Plus, guys are competitive and insecure . . . .

Act like he's the only person in the world, huh? In other words, brush up on your impression of a a coat rack. And because your guy is so insecure, be sure to . . . .

8. Don't panic if he doesn't call. In the beginning, you must make him believe he is an afterthought.

If your insecure man survives the rejection, congratulations! You're ready to move to step 9!

9. Don't rush him. We call the words "Where is this going?" the Final Four . . . Never utter these words if you want to keep him around. Men will go running if they think there is pressure on them.

Conversely, if you want to get rid of a guy, ask "Where is this going?" Better yet, make it the Final Five and add "honey" somewhere in the this sentence. But if you really want to get rid of him, I can think of some other four-word sentences to send him packing -- "I have genital herpes." "I voted for Bush." "I'm a radical feminist." And, if it's even possible at this point . . . .

13. Learn to love yourself first! When a woman loves her body, it's the sexiest thing in the world. Men love a woman who doesn't dive into the corner and hide behind the drapes when the lights go on.

You know, you really should have told me this ten steps ago, before I was told that men are that shallow when it comes to my body.

In short, if you want to get and keep a guy, you have to be confident (or at least hate yourself in secret), stuff your face, but not too much, or else your body won't be beautiful enough for your shallow man to like, but love the body you have, no matter how it looks, and do this all for the judgmental asshat who is, in reality, just as insecure as you are now that you've finished reading this list.