Spanky Would Have Called It the "She-Male Palin-Hating Club"

Some pastor from Florida named Doug Giles made a video stating why it is feminists don't like Sarah Palin. It's not because she wants government to be about as big as the distance between one's ovaries and vaginal opening. And it's not because she is as dumb as a pair of dookie stained granny panties. It's because we're all a bunch of "she-males" who are jealous of her looks. In case you haven't heard that before, I've posted the video. Additionally, I will henceforth be referring to Pastor Giles as Spanky, because he is a childish little rascal. Seriously, Spanky. I'd like to welcome you to the year 2010. Feminists have been hearing this bullshit since before Sarah Palin's father shot her out of his nutsack.



And because I like correcting people so much, I'd like to let Spanky know that Sarah Palin did consider having an abortion when she was pregnant with Trig. Luckily, she lives in a country where she had the choice to have all 5 of her children, instead of being forced into motherhood by a so-called small government. Spanky chooses to believe the lie, or else she wouldn't be his proper definition of a woman. And that would make his ass hurt.

And lastly but not leastly, this video is filled with disgusting transphobic hate speech. Simple proof that trans people are always seen as a simple scapegoat for assholes. If Spanky was truly confident in his beliefs, he wouldn't be threatened by metrosexuals or Chaz Bono or trans women or anybody else who doesn't fit the strict gender binary that he worships every day. It's old fucking news, and I believe, as a wise young woman once said, has been around since way before Sarah Palin's father shot her out of his nutsack. I have a feeling this man sleeps with one eye open and both hands holding his dick for dear life. It's pitiful.

Shorter Kevin Hogan: Every Woman is Secretly Telling You that They Want to Fuck You, Even if It's Just a Little

via Feministing

I don't really expect anything more from a blog post brought to you by an Axe body spray product, but come on. Some site called Asylum.com talked to a body language expert named Kevin Hogan to help really inept men figure out what women are telling them, without all the work and frustration that goes into listening to them talk. According to Hogan, a woman can't stand or sit without inviting sexual advances from strange men.

"She's non-consciously drawing attention to her neck, which is a bit of an invitation," says Hogan. "That, combined with her very off-balance posture, could be interpreted that she likes you and trusts you."

Or maybe she's checking her pulse as she's listening to you go on and on about the sophisticated system you created to rank the Kardashian sisters (Really? Tits to Ass Ratio? You don't say!). But let's not take her word for it. Nick Hogan is here to relieve you of the burden of wondering why you stand like that. Such thoughts used to consume me. Please, tell me more.

"She is prepared to be obedient," he says. "Her hands are keeping her posture straight and completely open and her neck is completely exposed. That's as open an invitation as she can give you."

You know, without her actually telling you with words. But if you thought she'd fuck you now, wait until you see her sit like this . . .

This laid-back stance signifies that this woman is "aggressively flirting with you," our expert tells us. "She shows you her body, but blocks it with her right arm offering you a small hurdle to get past to get the prize."

I was sitting very much like this on a rock ledge not long ago, eating a frozen yogurt parfait and watching a bluegrass band performing outside of the fair trade tea salon and market. That's why all those hippies followed me home! Oh, wait. That didn't happen.

But this is my favorite. Lest you think that all hope is lost when you make her recoil in horror, consider this.


Either you just said something offensive or your breath is bad. This is obvious because the woman has leaned away from you in addition to crossing her arms. Luckily, "Her feet are still pointed toward you, forgiving your boorish behavior," says Hogan.

Gee, what could he be saying here? "Do you like 3Oh!3? They're my favorite band!" "Yeah, I pretty much watch everything on G4, except Ninja Warrior. That show blows." "You like how I smell? It's Axe shower gel. I can write more poems like that if you want."

For all the confidence and advice that men's websites and blogs are supposed to give guys, they're really just making things more complicated (and making a lot of guys infinitely creepier and more likely to think nonconsensual sex is just fine). If you're looking for a friend or a girlfriend, just start talking to them. See where the conversation goes. It'll only take a few minutes of actual conversation for you to figure out if this person is someone you want to spend more than a few minutes with. Instead of looking at where her hand is or how much of her weight is distributed to her right side or in which direction her left big toe is pointing, LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

No, Walter, You Did Women a Favor

It's pretty clear that to fill in for Rush Limbaugh, you have to be more utterly insane and just plain stupider than he is. That way, all of us liberal cry babies can be thankful when he comes back to just sprinkle discriminatory language throughout his broadcasts instead of slabbing it on pretty thickly like this fool. I'm honestly surprised when people say such ridiculousness. I don't care to research this guy's credentials, but people who host radio shows tend to be formally educated with college degrees and life experience. And then I remember that right-wing nut jobs on the radio aren't stupid. They just know that their audience is stupid and play on that. Right wing nut jobs on the radio don't care about delivering news, insight, or analysis. Their purpose in life is to make idiots feel smart (and vote). In the above clip, Walter E. Williams compares systemic discrimination to seeking a potential spouse.

Back in 1960, when I was choosing a marriage partner, I systematically discriminated against White women. I didn't give Asian women an equal chance to marry me. I didn't give women with criminal records or women that did not bathe regularly. I did not give them an equal opportunity to marry me. Now you might be saying, "That type of discrimination doesn't hurt anybody." Well, if you said that, I would be insulted, because when I chose to marry my wife, I harmed other women. I reduced their opportunity set. So I did harm other people.

If your point of view only works with an analogy that proves you're an arrogant asshole, then you have no point. You see, Mr. Williams getting off the market in 1960 didn't harm anyone (except maybe his wife). It didn't reduce other women's pool of possible husbands. With Mr. Williams out of the way, straight women were more likely to find a husband that, you know, didn't believe in controlling them and making their kids work instead of go to school. Seriously, he said all that nonsense in the same show.

Now do us another solid and stop talking.

Funny Videos (No Homo)

Bryan Safi"s latest -- no homo -- on the no homo use (or maybe no homo overuse) of "no homo." It's like the new "you know what I'm sayin'?"



Secretary of State Hillary Clinton uses her diplomacy skills to resolve the Mayor Cory Booker/Conan O'Brien conflict.



Roman Polanski on To Catch a Predator. Not really, but at least we don't have to use our imaginations anymore.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Gay After Tomorrow
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

Jon Stewart thinks President Obama should finally repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Maybe he will this weekend at the pride march in Washington, D.C.

Because in Reality, You Have Nothing to Offer

Anti-Feminist Dating Service: Senator Jon Kyl

This is Jon Kyl. He's a Republican Senator from the great state of Arizona, so you know he has a stable well-paying government job. Very hot. And he's a real man's man. When debating health care reform, he makes sure no one thinks he's a lady:

I don't need maternity care.

See, he's not like those pussy guys who need maternity care. He's a real man. A real honest man:

So requiring that on my insurance policy is something that I don't need and will make the policy more expensive.

*swoon* What a bad boy! If you want to find out if he's as selfish a lover as he is a human being, give him a call. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you.

How Human Events Will Kill Young Republicans

If the Republicans are really trying to open their arms to a younger crowd and distance themselves from the crotchety old dudes that the party is really all about, they're doing a very shitty job.

Conservative rag Human Events is giving away a new book called The Ultimate Man's Survival Guide. Here's what this book will teach American guys:

It gives young men what they need to become not effete "metrosexuals" skilled at the ins and outs of high fashion and cocktail chat, but well-rounded men who can fight off bears and alligators, create a tourniquet out of a t-shirt, set a dislocated joint, rescue a drowning person—and pick the perfect cigar and bottle of wine.

No book, especially one that's being given away buy Human Events for free, is going to adequately teach a young Republican how to successfully beat an alligator or a bear in a fight. But if this book inspires more young Republicans to pick fights with wild animals, then that'll just be OK.

via Pandagon

The Funny Stuff

Third week in a row of just funny stuff!



This is a hilarious video of actual things fundamentalist Christians have said. The quotes are from Fundies Say the Darndest Things*



Joe the Pretend Plumber hopes the mainstream media doesn't make this inquisitive blogger as famous as the mainstream media made Joe the Pretend Plumber.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Borderline Cops
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

On a slow news day after a week-long vacation, The Daily Show goes with the cash cow of comedy: The Minute Men!

And, the trailer we've all been waiting for . . . .




That was TOTALLY Ron Paul!




*When I typed that into Goolge, it said "Did you mean 'undies say the dandiest things?'"

My Prayers Have Been Manswered! Well, Not Really

How Much Blood Can You Lose Before You Die? | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

I was flipping through the channels on Sunday night and stumbled upon this show called "Manswers" on Spike. Like mantyhouse and the manssiere, manswers are totally different from their female counterparts. The clip that I saw (posted above) answers the important question "How much blood can you lose before you die?" I'm pretty sure the average pig-headed Spike viewer finished watching this hoping they didn't miss anything important, because you lost them at Naughty Nurse #3. 

The answer is 4 pints, in case you were curious.

I Know Your Secret, Arby's

via Feministing

In this ad, Arby's is prepping us for a big surprise about their fast food. Because I'm so special, I already know what it is. The secret is . . .

Arby's genetically modified buns have nipples!

Anti-Feminist Dating Service: Matthew Chancey

This guy must be doing something right if he has inspired a new segment at [A] Funny Feminist. Introducing Anti-Feminist Dating Service, where you can review the manliest men on Earth. In fact, this manly man above just earned himself the Old Spice Man of the Year Award. Swoon! Here he is -- Matthew Chancey.

Matthew Chancey, 32, is a total man's man. He's no metrosexual pansy boy. Blue socks with brown shoes? What a nightmare in coordination! One man's fashion faux pas is a manly man's proof of hardcore manliness. His hobbies include swing dancing, keeping chickens, and rifle wielding. And now that he's Old Spice's Man of the Year, he's got money, honey, and a supply of Old Spice products to boot. Oh la la! Tres chic! And if that doesn't make you want to rip your panties off, he's also a Christian Reconstructionist, a political movement that is anti-suffrage and believes in women's submission to their husbands. He is married, though, to the ultimate woman, the creator of Ladies Against Feminism and all things modern. But I'm sure a manly man like Matthew Chancey would totally go for some submissive young tail on the side. Who's up for some unprotected sex through a hole in the sheet? So on your next hot date, don't just take a chance -- take a Matthew Chancey!

The Funny & The Fucked Up

The Funny:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Prop 8: The Musical shows the benefits of gay marriage. It stars some very funny people, like Margaret Cho, Jack Black, Andy Richter, John C. Reilly, and NPH.

Belledame222 at Fetch Me My Axe posted some funny would-be Men's Rights Activist blog titles.

The Fucked Up:

Amanda Palmer's record label won't promote her new single or video because she is "fat." Palmer, of Dresden Dolls fame, tried to leave her record label, but they won't let her. She gives the full story here.

Some dude from New Zealand blames women's lib and abortion for violence against women. This answers the age-old question "What do Orcs do when they're not guarding Mordor?" They whine to the public.

Coffee, Chicken Wings, and Hotties

Did you know that coffee, Buffalo wings, and other foods are so repulsive that men will only consume these things if they're served by big-breasted leggy blondes? I didn't know that either. But it's apparently true -- what with Hooters, The Hawaiian Tropic Zone, and the slew of cafes that now offer tall, mocha, low-fat ladies. What happened to the days when a "sexpresso" was a disgruntled Starbucks employee busting a nut in some suit's frappuccino?

Michael Savage Didn't Listen to Daddy

via Media Matters

The always classy Master of Asshatery Michael Savage recently went on a tirade about kids with autism. Even though nobody paged Doctor Asshat, he felt the need to claim that 99% of people with autism are malingerers. After that, he shared a fuzzy memory about what his pa used to tell him:

[I]f I behaved like a fool, my father called me a fool. And he said to me, 'Don't behave like a fool.' The worst thing he said -- 'Don't behave like a fool. Don't be anybody's dummy. Don't sound like an idiot. Don't act like a girl. Don't cry.' That's what I was raised with. That's what you should raise your children with. Stop with the sensitivity training. You're turning your son into a girl, and you're turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men. That's why we have the politicians we have.

Behaving like a fool -- check.
Being a dummy -- check.
Sounding like an idiot -- double check.
Don't cry -- triple check, cuz all I heard of that was "Boo-hoo-hoo. *yell* My dad hates me. *argh*"

I love how being a girl is somehow an insult. Being a girl is not the worst thing in the world. I should know, because I have a clitoris, and that fucking rules. What does Michael Savage have? A phallic-looking microphone pressed against his chapped lips. Who would want that over a clitoris? Nobody.

Sometimes, Hypermasculinity Bites You in the Ass

I'm kind of on a roll with the posts, since I've been gone for so long. I know a lot happened over the weekend and today (especially some so not funny stuff [I'm looking at you, The New Yorker and John MacLaughlin), so I'll be posting about that tomorrow.

Anyway, last week, the Smoking Gun reported on a cage-fighting event going totally gay thanks to one of my heros, Sacha Baron Cohen. The funnyman of Da Ali G. Show fame was filming a scene in Arkansas for his upcoming movie surrounding his character Bruno, a gay Austrian fashionisto. Lured by advertising that promised "hot chicks, cold beer, and hardcore fights," hundreds of fans instead saw a make-out fest between two dudes. How did the crowd react? They threw beers and chairs at the ring. What a tired stereotype, right? Hypermasculine, homophobic, drunk, and childish. And why were they so pissed off? I mean, two dudes making out isn't much gayer than two guys dancing in a cage with only their undies on. Am I right or am I right?