In Defense of Jon Kyl

The big news this past weekend was the looming government shutdown that never was. While defending these riders, which were basically ideologically driven strips of funding for seriously controversial things like school lunch and NPR*, Jon Kyl proclaimed that more than 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.

Everybody goes to clinics, to doctors, to hospitals, so on. Some people go to Planned Parenthood. But you don't have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked**. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does.

Except not. If I wanted an abortion and walked into any of the 6 Planned Parenthoods in my area, they'd send me somewhere else. Which is why I personally wouldn't go to Planned Parenthood for an abortion. See, well over 90% -- a full 97% -- of what Planned Parenthood does is not abortion-related. Abortion accounts for 3%. Jon Kyl explained that his statements were "not meant to be factual."

I don't think Jon Kyl has to explain himself at all. It's SO HARD to find information in this information age of ours. I mean, how many spare seconds do you think Senator Kyl has to do the following:

1. Google "Planned Parenthood."

2. Click on the first link.

3. Click the "About Us" drop-down menu.

4. Click "Annual Report."

5. Click on the picture in the middle of the page.

6. Scroll down to page 6.

7. Admire the colorful pie chart showing the percentage of services that Planned Parenthood provides.

That was a workout. Cancel your gym memberships, people! Looking for facts is seriously sweat-inducing exercise.

* This is a list of the riders in lay terms and in an easy-to-read chart. Here is the full H.R. 1 bill.

** Unless you're poor and have no health insurance. It's a good thing Planned Parenthood provides these services.

So Not Funny, George Lopez!

I get most of my feminist news from the mainstream feminist blogosphere, which likes to throw its trans news of the day in a little daily wrap-up, if at all. So I sincerely apologize for neglecting to get my feminist news from a place that's friendly to issues facing trans people. I will do better from now on. Being out of the loop in that regard is much worse than being out of the loop when it comes to Dancing with the Stars and Lopez Tonight. George Lopez is a guy that I never found funny. He probably doesn't think he's that funny either, since he tells transphobic jokes, the final resort in getting a cheap laugh. Last week, after the premiere of DWTS, he unleashed his fat hate and transmisogyny with this sorry excuse for a joke:

(At about 1:20) Finally my favorite male and female dancer of the season. Up first the male (he shows a clip of Wendy Williams' performance). It wasn't really her dancing that caught my attention, check this out. (he shows a clip of Wendy crying during dance practice). The last time she cried that hard was when she was on Maury and she heard Wendy Williams you are the father.

And then he called Kirstie Alley a pig, but he spared her her gender identity. George Lopez: A real revolutionary.

Alright, first of all, Wendy Williams is the bomb, okay? She's a Jersey girl, and she's really successful. She seems like a down-to-Earth woman, and she's one of three people I sort of pseudo-stalk when I hang out in Montclair (the other two are Stephen Colbert and baseball legend Yogi Berra). Most importantly, this "joke" doesn't hurt Wendy as much as it hurts trans women, particularly trans women of color, which make up about 100% of the trans people who are murdered each year. People have to learn that insulting someone by calling them trans isn't funny and leads to violence. It's a way of delegitimizing someone's being. And it needs to end like forever ago.

Not that you ever were funny to begin with. But, George Lopez, this is so not funny!

Kristen Schaal on Redefining Rape Law

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If you follow me on Twitter, you would have noticed that I've spent the better part of a week tweeting about the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," a law that seeks to deny abortion rights to any woman with a health insurance policy in which any amount of the premiums can be written off on a tax return, unless that woman can pay for the procedure out of pocket. Right now, the vast majority of health insurance policies cover abortion, and a percentage of those premiums can be written off by the individual or business who purchases the policy. House Republicans and conservative Democrats who have signed on to this bill equate the tax write-off with abortion being federally subsidized. Of course, tax breaks for the wealthy aren't considered federal spending, but tax breaks for Americans with health insurance that covers abortion is. Basically, this law further screws over low and middle income women who wish to use the perfectly legal medical service called abortion. Essentially, such women must pay a tax on their policy (in that their policy is taxable income), even if they never have an abortion. The law would also deny abortion coverage on any private policy that is included in the health insurance exchanges in the new healthcare law.

Most egregious of all, the law also redefined rape as "forcible rape." The qualifier "forcible" implied that some rape isn't forced, but merely coerced or maybe implied. Women who were unconscious, drugged, or mentally handicapped were excluded from the definition. The language was then taken out, thanks to Sady Doyle's #DearJohn campaign on Twitter and the above video from The Daily Show. The combination of anger and satire woke the anti-choice morons who cosigned this disgusting bill to the fact that ALL rape is forcible. Duh.

Although it's nice that they stripped the word "forcible" from the bill, this bill is still terrible and needs to be defeated. This law will deny millions of women abortion coverage. Incest is also redefined, in that it excludes women who became pregnant by a family member after they turned 18. It allows the government to interfere in personal decisions and private business, and it increases taxes. The new Republican party, everyone!

So Not Funny, Saturday Night Live!

I could stop with just that title and follow with a randomly selected clip, since Saturday Night Live hasn't been funny in about 15 years. But not only is this skit not funny, it's downright offensive. It's a mock commercial for hormone replacement therapy aimed at M to F transgender people. It shows several of the male cast members in varying stages of transition. The punch line is basically, "Get it? Trans women! Ha-ha!" I guess cissexist knuckle draggers find this hilarious, but mocking the experience of trans women is not a joke. Looks like NBC might have new ownership, but it has the same tired transphobic stereotypes that pretty much every other comedy has.

GLAAD has a petition that you can sign, demanding that NBC apologize for this disgusting sketch and remove it from future airings.

Shorter Allstate: We'll Pay for Your Negligence

Particularly if some woman dares to look good while running past your car.

BTW, this is my 350th post!

Age-Appropriate Sex Ed: A Comparison

Remember this advertisement during the presidential campaign in 2008? John McCain attacked Barack Obama's stance on age-appropriate sex education for all children, including Kindergartners.



Basically, Barack Obama supports age-appropriate sex-ed. In Kindergarten, that's teaching young children "good touch/bad touch" and ways that kids can protect themselves from pedophiles, like not talking to strangers, not going into a car of anyone they don't know, and telling a trusted adult if they've been touched inappropriately. It turned out that the bill wasn't even passed during Obama's time in the Illinois State Senate, and he wasn't even a co-sponsor, so it blew over and Barack Obama won the election.

Let's fast forward to 2011. Kind of a lot has changed in less than 3 years, but there haven't been such radical changes taking place from where conservatives have kittens over someone somewhere suggesting that 5-year-olds know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching to where talking to those same kids about abortion is a-OK. But apparently it has, in this second wind of hippie free love, I guess.

Congressman Steve King (R-IA) admitted that he talks to children of all grade levels, including Kindergartners, about abortion. He said:

I often go into a high school auditorium or meet with people at even the K-through-12 level in their entirety, and I will tell them: “You will be asked to answer one of the most profound moral questions of our age and that is where do you stand on the abortion issue. And you need to only ask and answer two questions. The first question is do you believe that human life is sacred in all of its forms. Is the person sitting to your left and to your right and everyone in this room, is their life sacred?” And they’ll nod their heads.

Yes, which would mean they're pro-choice. Anti-choicers certainly don't see the life of the pregnant woman as sacred, since they see her death in childbirth or suicide as no great loss to humanity. Needless to say, that's not age-appropriate. It's also a stupid argument to make, and it's why I hate it when men and self-righteous teens are asked about this very profound moral question. Men in particular can have a really nice philosophical debate about abortion, because they don't experience abortion in the slightest, and they never will. Men might like to think that they experience it in the same way that women do, but that's because they're really stupid assholes who believe their superior man-brains and powerful imaginations can make them feel that way. The point is, the only person who can answer that question honestly is the woman experiencing the pregnancy and making the decision herself. It's really easy to say "I believe all life is sacred," or even, "Abortion is a morally acceptable decision all the time," and all of that philosophy flies out the window once she sees a plus sign on the pregnancy test. Oops. So to even pose that question to students who are too young to experience pregnancy or make a moral judgment is totally age-inappropriate and a bit brain-washy.

Spanky Would Have Called It the "She-Male Palin-Hating Club"

Some pastor from Florida named Doug Giles made a video stating why it is feminists don't like Sarah Palin. It's not because she wants government to be about as big as the distance between one's ovaries and vaginal opening. And it's not because she is as dumb as a pair of dookie stained granny panties. It's because we're all a bunch of "she-males" who are jealous of her looks. In case you haven't heard that before, I've posted the video. Additionally, I will henceforth be referring to Pastor Giles as Spanky, because he is a childish little rascal. Seriously, Spanky. I'd like to welcome you to the year 2010. Feminists have been hearing this bullshit since before Sarah Palin's father shot her out of his nutsack.



And because I like correcting people so much, I'd like to let Spanky know that Sarah Palin did consider having an abortion when she was pregnant with Trig. Luckily, she lives in a country where she had the choice to have all 5 of her children, instead of being forced into motherhood by a so-called small government. Spanky chooses to believe the lie, or else she wouldn't be his proper definition of a woman. And that would make his ass hurt.

And lastly but not leastly, this video is filled with disgusting transphobic hate speech. Simple proof that trans people are always seen as a simple scapegoat for assholes. If Spanky was truly confident in his beliefs, he wouldn't be threatened by metrosexuals or Chaz Bono or trans women or anybody else who doesn't fit the strict gender binary that he worships every day. It's old fucking news, and I believe, as a wise young woman once said, has been around since way before Sarah Palin's father shot her out of his nutsack. I have a feeling this man sleeps with one eye open and both hands holding his dick for dear life. It's pitiful.

Sarah Palin Tells Some Knock Knock Jokes

I made a video of Sarah Palin telling knock knock jokes on Larry King Live using Xtranormal. I would have embedded it, but the code doesn't work, so just follow the link. It's my holiday gift to you. Hope you enjoy!

My Favorite Thing That I Missed

I missed blogging about the midterm elections, which means I missed so much: Sharon Angle, Christine O'Donnell, Marco Rubio, Carl Paladino, and the other right-wing nutjobs who ran for election in 2010. But my favorite part of the midterms was this ad from SarahPAC, Sarah Palin's political action committee that supports ultra conservative candidates (read: right-wing nutjobs). It's not so much a commercial for Sarah Palin's buddies as it is a look inside what Sarah Palin sees when she's tripping on X. While watching it, see if you can count to two Mississippis before another image pops onto the screen. It's a fun game.

Linda McMahon's BFF Believes Linda McMahon Would Be a BSF

BSF. That's Best Senator Forever! Totes cute, right?

Come on. I bet my best friends would tell me I'd make a great Senator. I think they might have. But I'm not gonna take them up on it. Sorry! I'm all for women running for public office, of course. But I think women politicians need to make sure that they're really taken seriously. You can't even put your best friend down as a reference on an application to work at Taco Bell. So why would you do it in a campaign ad? It reads too much as a human interest story and not enough as a serious attempt to garner my support. Well, not my support, since I don't live in Connecticut. I'm not quite sure why I even see any of Linda McMahon's ads, to be honest with you.

Not only am I not from Connecticut, I'm not a Republican. Not by a long shot. These sorts of fluffy political ads don't make me like a candidate. I want to know where somebody stands on important issues that affect me and the people I care about. Maybe conservatives prefer a woman politician who doesn't cross the line of proper feminine gender expectations.

Palins to Teachers: "Oooh."

Former Governor Sarah "Winky Magee" Palin visited her home state of Alaska for some reason and brought a camera crew. Then, she saw a sign that said "WORST GOVERNOR EVER" and rushed over to talk to the person who made it. You know, because when Sarah Palin sees a sign that says "WORST GOVERNOR EVER," she automatically thinks, "That's me!" This is what went down:

Woman: You swore on your precious Bible that you would uphold the interests of this state. And then, when cash was waved in front of your face, you quit.

Sarah: [shocked] Oh, you wanted me to be your governor! I'm honored. Thank you.

Woman: I wanted you to honor your responsibilities. That is what I wanted. And to be part of the political process instead of becoming a celebrity so that you could -- and if that is the best you could do, then good for you, if that's the best you could do.

Sarah: That's why I'm out there, fighting for America, to have a Constitution protected so that we could have free speech.

Woman: Where are you fighting for that?

Sarah: Oh my goodness! To elect candidates who understand the Constitution, to protect our military interests so that we can keep fighting for our Constitution and freedoms --

Woman: By using your celebrity status. Certainly not by political --

One of Sarah's daughters -- Sprocket?: How is she a celebrity?

Sarah: I'm honored that she sees me as a celebrity!

Woman: You're certainly not representing the state of Alaska any longer, even though --

Palin's daughter -- Ozmodiar, I think: She's representing United States! *jazz hands*

Woman: Yes, I know. You belong to America now, and that's just fine.

Sarah: What do you do here?

Woman: I'm a teacher.

Sarah and Dingleberry Jones: Oooh. [exchange disappointed looks]

Yes, Sarah. Do you know what a teacher is? You should probably bring a Kindergarten teacher with you. She can improve your penmanship for the next time you want to read something off of your hand!

Ms. Palin's fee-fees got all hurt when news outlets played the video and concluded that she did indeed show contempt for this woman's career, albeit subtly. She certainly seemed much more thrilled when the woman identified herself as the wife of a commercial fisherman. Why not get so excited about her being a teacher, if you consider working in a school such an honorable profession that many of your family members hold? Where was she when John Boehner called the $20 billion jobs bill for teachers and police officers a "bailout for teachers unions?" Blogging in her PJs? Ms. Palin is all talk and no action and won't even come to the defense of her family when some jerk undermines their work. Shame, shame, shame.

So brava to Alaskan teacher lady, for speaking your mind, being proud, and being able to make a cogent argument. Can't say the same for Sarah Palin and her daughter, Boomerang Gypsy or something.

The Funny & Fucked Up

The Funny

After Bill O'Reilly tells Columbia University professor Dr. Marc Lamont Hill that he looks like a cocaine dealer, Dr. Hill responds: "You look like a cocaine user."

A couple of feminist blogs have talked about a new right-wing website called America Speaking Out. Conservatives post their ideas to improve America, and visitors to the site vote for the ideas. It appears that several funny liberals have taken the site over and posted some jokes.

The Fucked Up

A radio station in Columbus, Ohio had a contest in which the "winner" gets a trip to Phoenix, Arizona to "chase aliens." You can encourage them to apologize here.

An elementary school teacher in Norfolk, Virginia gave four-inch plastic fetus dolls to their students, along with anti-choice messages.

No, Walter, You Did Women a Favor

It's pretty clear that to fill in for Rush Limbaugh, you have to be more utterly insane and just plain stupider than he is. That way, all of us liberal cry babies can be thankful when he comes back to just sprinkle discriminatory language throughout his broadcasts instead of slabbing it on pretty thickly like this fool. I'm honestly surprised when people say such ridiculousness. I don't care to research this guy's credentials, but people who host radio shows tend to be formally educated with college degrees and life experience. And then I remember that right-wing nut jobs on the radio aren't stupid. They just know that their audience is stupid and play on that. Right wing nut jobs on the radio don't care about delivering news, insight, or analysis. Their purpose in life is to make idiots feel smart (and vote). In the above clip, Walter E. Williams compares systemic discrimination to seeking a potential spouse.

Back in 1960, when I was choosing a marriage partner, I systematically discriminated against White women. I didn't give Asian women an equal chance to marry me. I didn't give women with criminal records or women that did not bathe regularly. I did not give them an equal opportunity to marry me. Now you might be saying, "That type of discrimination doesn't hurt anybody." Well, if you said that, I would be insulted, because when I chose to marry my wife, I harmed other women. I reduced their opportunity set. So I did harm other people.

If your point of view only works with an analogy that proves you're an arrogant asshole, then you have no point. You see, Mr. Williams getting off the market in 1960 didn't harm anyone (except maybe his wife). It didn't reduce other women's pool of possible husbands. With Mr. Williams out of the way, straight women were more likely to find a husband that, you know, didn't believe in controlling them and making their kids work instead of go to school. Seriously, he said all that nonsense in the same show.

Now do us another solid and stop talking.

So Not Funny, Family Guy!

I never watch Family Guy, because I think it's stupid and unfunny. When I found out that Quagmire's dad was going to come out as transgender, I figured I'd boycott the episode. But I decided that I'd rather watch it and become offended. As a cis woman who will never have to endure the harassment, assault, murder, and everything in between that trans women suffer every day, it was the least I could do.

So after a handful of gay jokes, Quagmire's dad comes out as "a woman trapped in a man's body" and decides to have a sex change operation. When Quagmire goes to Peter and Lois for comfort, they can't seem to tell the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. After some banter, Lois concludes that they should all agree that Quagmire's dad is "odd." While at the hospital with Quagmire, Peter calls Quagmire's dad "it" and a "he/she." After Quagmire's dad, now Ida, reveals the results of the operation, Peter gives her the thumbs-up. Trans women don't need cis men's approval to make sure that they're sufficiently womanly, even in a cartoon. Later, Ida is invited to dinner at the Griffin's where transmisogynist jokes and comments are hurled both at Ida and daughter Meg. After the dinner, Ida and Quagmire get into an argument, so Ida goes to a bar for some drinks. She meets the Griffins' dog, Brian, and they end up having sex. You know, because trans women are into beastiality. Brian tells the Griffins that he's met a wonderful woman, and everyone thinks it's hilarious when they find out Brian's love interest is Ida. Stewie is the last person Brian tells about his wonderful new lady friend, and Stewie tells Brian about Quagmire's dad. They have a good laugh about it, calling her an "it" several times, questioning the validity of trans women's relationships, and defining her private parts as "a train wreck." When Brian finds out that he had sex with Ida, Quagmire's father, he vomits for like 30 seconds.

This list of transmisogynist "jokes" is by no means exhaustive. That was just from memory. There were probably a lot more hateful jokes in there. But don't take my word for it! Watch the whole episode!

Pretty much every transmisogyinst stereotype was incorporated in this episode. Except for Ida becoming a prostitute. How did Seth MacFarlane miss that one? Now, many people will tell me, "It's Family Guy! What do you expect?" "They offend everyone eventually!" "It's called being edgy! Get a sense of humor!" If Family Guy was that edgy, they would have made a pro-trans episode. Hell, they didn't even use the words "trans," "transgender," or "trans woman" in the entire episode. Instead, they rolled out all the anti-trans woman stereotypes and put them in one episode. These jokes are offensive and contribute to the death of trans women. When someone calls a trans woman a "he/she" or an "it" or question the legitimacy of her body parts and romantic relationships, they are dehumanizing trans women, and that is tantamount to advocating for their demise.

Yeah, so not funny, Family Guy.

The Last Person in the World Who Should Be Telling You When It's OK to Get Preggers, Tells You When It's OK to Get Preggers (& Doesn't Get It Right)

That might have just been the longest title in AFF history! Anywho, Bristol Palin, who is a spokeswoman for a keep-your-legs-closed organization called the Candie's Foundation has a new public service announcement for all you slutty little girls out there: Don't fuck, unless you're rich like moi.

What if I didn't come from a famous family? What if I didn't have all their support? What if I didn't have all these opportunities?

Um, you'll be alone with your bundle of joy, wearing a white t-shirt and boyfriend jeans, standing in front of a couch in your tiny studio apartment?

Omigod, I was totally right!

The problem with this ad is that it is totally classist. Bristol Palin is essentially saying that it's okay that she was sexually active, got pregnant, and became a parent because she comes from a rich and famous family with lots of connections. But because you don't have these things, you should do what the Candie's Foundation says and keep your legs closed. I'm actually surprised that this organization even has Bristol Palin as a spokesperson. Nothing says "be skeptical of the media's portrayal of teen pregnancy and parenting" like getting $100,000 for posing on magazine covers and $300,000 for selling your baby pictures to the tabloids.

See What Strict Gender Roles Does to Children?

Yes, sir, you are a horrible father. Oh, I kid.

Sarah Palin Tries to be Funny, Fails.

The ever evolving Sarah Palin chased the limelight to the set of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to add "crappy stand-up comic" to her resume. But some jokes are a little hard for Sarah Palin to understand, like this one I asked her during an interview before the 2008 election (just play along, people):

Me: Knock, knock.

Sarah Palin: Who's there?

Me: Vice President.

Sarah Palin: Vice President who? Seriously, what's a Vice President?

Then she tried to get me back for making her look like a fool. It totally backfired.

Sarah Palin: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Sarah Palin: Newspaper.

Me: Which one?

Sarah Palin: . . . Shit!

Some CPAC Funny

CPAC, the Conservative Political Action -- [looks at hand] Convention -- strike that -- Conference, is taking place this week in Washington, D.C. I think it's a week. I normally wouldn't care about these things, but there are a couple of funny videos from the event. First is some guy who decries the presence of a conservative gay organization at the convention. A conservative gay organization? Outside of the Catholic church? You're kidding me! He rationalizes his outrage by saying that civil rights are rooted in natural rights and natural rights are rooted in nature and nature is Wee-Wees + Foo-Foos = Baby. During his rant, something pretty amazing happens



He gets booed! Maybe it's because the crowd respects conservatives of the gay variety. Maybe it's because the absence of tie around his neck automatically makes him Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's BFF. But then this guy launches probably the best insult in history:

The lesbians at Smith protest better than you do!

That's probably because lesbians have always had plenty to protest about, even in super-duper gay Northampton (Hey, Diana & Tori!). Conservatives discovered protesting when Glenn Beck told them to discover it.

Next, Rachel Maddow attended CPAC, mostly to laugh at people. I really have nothing to add here. It's just plain funny.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

And Scott Brown Couldn't Go 9 Minutes and 20 Seconds Without Saying Something Sexist & Creepy

Now That's a Sex Toy: Shake Weight

If you can pinch your arm skin, you'll love this new sex toy.