Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Shorter Kevin Hogan: Every Woman is Secretly Telling You that They Want to Fuck You, Even if It's Just a Little

via Feministing

I don't really expect anything more from a blog post brought to you by an Axe body spray product, but come on. Some site called Asylum.com talked to a body language expert named Kevin Hogan to help really inept men figure out what women are telling them, without all the work and frustration that goes into listening to them talk. According to Hogan, a woman can't stand or sit without inviting sexual advances from strange men.

"She's non-consciously drawing attention to her neck, which is a bit of an invitation," says Hogan. "That, combined with her very off-balance posture, could be interpreted that she likes you and trusts you."

Or maybe she's checking her pulse as she's listening to you go on and on about the sophisticated system you created to rank the Kardashian sisters (Really? Tits to Ass Ratio? You don't say!). But let's not take her word for it. Nick Hogan is here to relieve you of the burden of wondering why you stand like that. Such thoughts used to consume me. Please, tell me more.

"She is prepared to be obedient," he says. "Her hands are keeping her posture straight and completely open and her neck is completely exposed. That's as open an invitation as she can give you."

You know, without her actually telling you with words. But if you thought she'd fuck you now, wait until you see her sit like this . . .

This laid-back stance signifies that this woman is "aggressively flirting with you," our expert tells us. "She shows you her body, but blocks it with her right arm offering you a small hurdle to get past to get the prize."

I was sitting very much like this on a rock ledge not long ago, eating a frozen yogurt parfait and watching a bluegrass band performing outside of the fair trade tea salon and market. That's why all those hippies followed me home! Oh, wait. That didn't happen.

But this is my favorite. Lest you think that all hope is lost when you make her recoil in horror, consider this.

Either you just said something offensive or your breath is bad. This is obvious because the woman has leaned away from you in addition to crossing her arms. Luckily, "Her feet are still pointed toward you, forgiving your boorish behavior," says Hogan.

Gee, what could he be saying here? "Do you like 3Oh!3? They're my favorite band!" "Yeah, I pretty much watch everything on G4, except Ninja Warrior. That show blows." "You like how I smell? It's Axe shower gel. I can write more poems like that if you want."

For all the confidence and advice that men's websites and blogs are supposed to give guys, they're really just making things more complicated (and making a lot of guys infinitely creepier and more likely to think nonconsensual sex is just fine). If you're looking for a friend or a girlfriend, just start talking to them. See where the conversation goes. It'll only take a few minutes of actual conversation for you to figure out if this person is someone you want to spend more than a few minutes with. Instead of looking at where her hand is or how much of her weight is distributed to her right side or in which direction her left big toe is pointing, LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

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