Wednesday, January 28, 2009

So Not Funny, George H.W. Bush!

Former President George H.W. Bush recently told this so not funny anecdote to some people somewhere:

One time we thought we'd outsmarted the crowd. We sent a decoy limosine off in one direction while I snuck out the back entrance. And we rounded the corner -- I'll never forget it -- and I saw one of the ugliest and angriest women I have ever seen in my entire life. Boy, she was really bad. And she charged my car with a sign... and came up right next to the window: "Stay out of my womb!" No problem, buddy.

Come on, Prez. Don't talk about Barbara that way.

Anti-Feminist Dating Service: Dov Charney

This is Dov Charney. Hey, Dov! He's quite the catch, and yet he's in total need of my dating service. Wha?! Let's look at his resume: 

  • He's the founder of American Apparel, so he gots money.
  • His mustache is connected to his sideburns. 
  • He's spectacular at math.
Seriously, people. He's a stats whiz. Check out this gem from a 2004 interview that has recently been making its way through the feminist blogosphere.

Women initiate most domestic violence, yet out of a thousand cases of domestic violence maybe one is involving a man.

Can you believe he did all that math in his head? Yes, Dov is a quick one. And to think the U.S. Department of Justice probably used SPSS to come up with totally different data. What a waste of time! So if you're looking for a statistician, or just a good time, give Dov a call.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Take Action Monday

Tell President Obama that no coal is clean coal.

Urge President Obama to reverse the HHS rule that limits women's access to birth control.

Ask your Senators to support healthcare for immigrant kids too.

Support President Obama's pick for Attorney General.

Tell Bank of America to bail out homeowners and their workers, not their executives.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Let There Be Lies

via Science Blogs

This is the trailer for some weird movie called The Monstrous Regiment of Women: Extolling Femininity, Blasting Feminism. It's about women who, in between decrying the system that allows them to speak without a man's permission and having sex through a hole in the sheet, crawl into their hope chests with a pint of Chunky Monkey and cry themselves to sleep. And while the entire trailer makes me laugh at their stupidity, I do have a favorite part.

I was in the abortion business. I knew if I could go into a school that the pregnancy rate could increase by 50%. I knew if I could get the girls sexually active that she would have 3-5 abortions between the ages of 13 and 18, and that was actually our goal.

It's interesting that this video is on GodTube, when this trailer is filled with such illogical thinking that anyone with two neurons to fire at one another would know that it's all a lie. How can a woman say that she can increase the pregnancy rate by going to a school? Who is she? Gabriel? Or is she sneaking into locker rooms and dropping sperm on these girls' panties while they're in gym? I guess this is what happens when someone doesn't understand that girls have free will and control over their sexuality. Or maybe this poor woman sat in on one too many abstinence-only classes and doesn't know how reproduction actually works.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

"You Aborted the Next President" Still Makes No Sense

Why don't the pro-lifers listen to me when I tell them that aborting the next president is impossible? Don't they know that I'm way smarter than they are? Trust me, pro-lifers. I don't like seeing anyone make an ass of themselves by publishing stupid shit on the internet. Not even you. Aren't I pretty great that way? You don't have to answer that. I already know that I am.

Anyway, the video above claims to feature Barack Obama when he was just a wee fetus. First of all, you can't even tell if it's him. That could be anybody. Second of all (and probably more importantly than my first point), ultrasound technology didn't exist in 1961, the year in which he spent most of his time in his lovely mother's uterus. And lastly, this organization didn't even support Barack Obama in the election. Now all of a sudden they're skipping down the street because his mother couldn't even legally get an abortion if she wanted to? Ugh. The stupid makes my head hurt.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Take Action Monday

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! If you can't do any community service today, at least sign a bunch of petitions.

Support the Arms Trade Treaty.

Keep loaded guns out of our national parks.

Tell Obama to support the Blueprint for Positive Change in the LGBTQ community.

Ask the world's economic leaders to make microfinance a focus.

Demand justice for Oscar Grant.

Help stop the number one killer of African children.

Urge Obama to close Gitmo.

Support Obama's pick for Attorney General.

Tell Congress to help humanitarian workers get into Gaza and to suspend all transfers of weapons to Israel.

Urge Congress to include affordable healthcare for all in any economic stimulus legislation.

Sign the petition to repeal the Global Gag Rule.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Do My Job for Me, American Life League!

This thing I do isn't so easy. Being funny is hard work. That's why I get so happy when someone does something so ridiculously moronic that just repeating it makes it funny.

Total Ass Clown

This is Derek Dye, the Fear-Mongering Clown that teaches abstinence-only education to middle schoolers. He tells kids that having sex before marriage is kind of like becoming a drug addict, binge drinking, and juggling machetes over a friend (who is apparently unconscious from all the drugs and booze). Some clown. He doesn't even know what fun is! And let me add that breaking your hymen isn't as easy as setting a piece of tissue paper ablaze, clown guy. I know. I've been trying for years to get rid of that thing.

Mike Huckabee Answers an Important Question

How many times does a man have to say he doesn't support ass-fucking before people start to believe he enjoys nothing more than a good fuck in the ass?

Four. Maybe three.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Cry-Baby Wing of the Right (i.e., all of it)

What a week for kvetching conservatives*, right? 
There's Sarah Palin belly-aching about anonymous bloggers (whatever those are).

Then Joe the Pretend Plumber complains about non-anonymous non-blogging mainstream-media war correspondents.

He also reminisces about the olden days when people went to the cinema to watch propaganda. Shouldn't he be thrilled that we don't even have to go outside for that anymore? Just turn on Fox News.

Finally, "Ann Coulter *wink*" cries about the ladies of The View not getting her.

We get it. Your 15 minutes are up. Give it up already.

*I know you loved that alliteration.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Take Action Monday

Ask Barack Obama to address the world's poorest people during the inauguration.

Show your support for Dr. Shirin Ebadi.

Tell your Senators to support fair pay.

Protect endangered species from Bush.

Support Barack Obama in his plans to invest in healthcare and green jobs.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Funny and the Fucked Up

The Funny:

Rachel Maddow steals Keith Olbermann's glasses and does an interview on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Stephen Colbert defends Ledbetter v. Goodyear.

The Fucked Up:

A Black man was shot in the back by a police officer while in police custody in Oakland.


The snuggle film industry (as Marge Simpson might say) wants a federal bailout. Larry Flynt pleaded with Congress, "With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It's time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America." Paging Larry Craig! Paging Mark Foley! Return to Congress immediately to sexify the joint!

Joe the Unlicensed Plumber is now heading for Israel to become Joe the Wannabe War Correspondent for PJTV, some right-wing thing. I'm actually gonna go on and thank PJTV for getting Joe out of the country. Well done!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Take Action Monday

Advocate for microfinance to eliminate poverty.

Tell president-elect Obama to end the war in Iraq.

Urge Secretary of State Rice to end the civilian bloodshed in Israel and Gaza.

Support green energy solutions.

Tell Home Depot CEO Bernie Marcus to stop the intimidation.

And the Little Accident's Name Is . . . .

Hey! Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol had a baby. Remember the Palins? And in the fine Palin tradition of giving children names that are likely to scar them for life, the little bundle of joy's name is Tripp. As in "I tripped and fell on my boyfriend's penis." What would you have named him? Take the poll or leave other suggestions in comments.

In what the radical right would love to think is a completely unrelated story, abstinence pledges don't work. Not only do kids who pledge abstinence have sex before marriage anyway, they are less likely to use birth control. In other words, abstinence pledges are a ginormous fail. 

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Anti-Feminist Dating Service: Dennis Prager

Say hello to Dennis Prager. Hi, Dennis *wink*! This 60-year-old conservative commentator knows women. I mean, he has been married twice. Divorced twice, too. Probably because he's just so in-your-face. He apparently hasn't enjoyed a movie in 20 years, and he likes to stand in front of trees, I guess (seriously, what's up with the background in that photo?). But that's not what makes Dennis so hot. He just can't get enough of that marital rape. But he's real polite about it. When his woman says "not tonight," he doesn't tell her "fuck you." He says, "Fuck me!" This man's been divorced twice? Fuck me! And he totally believes in equality. He supports both men and women contributing to society -- men by going to work every day, and women by being raped by their husbands. Are you swooning yet? I know I am! Or maybe my brain stem just died on me. So if you don't want to date Dennis Prager, you're just his type! Lucky every woman!