Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Take Action Monday on Tuesday

I was so crampalicious yesterday that I couldn't get online to post any petitions. "Take Action Tuesday" sounds a bit more spiffy, but I'll continue to post these on Monday anyway. Enjoy!

Tell your Representitive to support the Paycheck Fairness Act -- there's talk that they'll vote on it on Wednesday!

Urge your Representative to vote Nay on H.R. 362, which calls for a military blockade of Iran.

Let CBS know that you don't approve of their franken-interviews.*

Tell your Senators to honor suffragist Alice Paul with a Congressional Gold Medal. Perfect timing, Senators Lautenburg and Menendez of New Jersey -- just in time for the Olympics!

Remind Senator McCain and Master of Asshatery Bill O'Reilly that our right to birth control is just as important as their right to 4-hour boners. Ew, I just thought of John McCain and Bill O'Reilly having boners!

Help get more Senators to cosponser the Fair Pay Restoration Act.

Thank your Representative if they cosponsored the bill to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." And if they didn't, tell them to do it already!

Tell Bush and Mukasey that you like the Constitution.

Show your support for the Womens Veterans Healthcare Improvement Act.

*Not interviews with Al Franken. They need more of those. I'm talking about the edited interview Katie Couric had with John McCain, where CBS created one answer out of three other answers from later on in the interview in order to cover up yet another inaccurate claim made by McCain.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Important Question, Bill O'Reilly!

Master of Asshatery Bill O'Reilly asks a very important question in response to Planned Parenthood's call to John McCain to treat Viagra and birth control equally:

Do I have to buy you dinner before you use the birth control?

Despite the fact that he screamed this question into the camera, I still have no idea what the hell he's asking. I would really like to answer this question truthfully, but the more I repeat it to myself, the less and less it makes sense. All I know is that any request for a dinner date with Bill O'Reilly makes me uncomfortable, since he has some weird issues with food, and the date probaby ends with a shower that you come out of feeling much dirtier than you were upon entering.

The Daily Show Answers an Important Question

Larry Wilmore of The Daily Show answers the very important question "Could an Obama presidency hurt Black Americans?"

Monday, July 21, 2008

Pro-Lie Legislation (that's not a typo)

via The Washington Post

For women in South Dakota, getting an abortion just got more difficult.

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit last week lifted a preliminary injunction that prevented the language from taking effect. A spokesman for Planned Parenthood, which runs the state's only abortion clinic, said doctors will begin reciting the script to patients as early as this week.

In addition to having to view an ultrasound picture of the embryo, women seeking abortion in South Dakota will have to be told the following things no eariler than 2 hours before the procedure:

  1. That the abortion will terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique,
    living human being;
  2. That [the patient]has an existing relationship with that unborn human
    being and that the relationship enjoys protection under the United States
    Constitution and under the laws of South Dakota;
  3. That by having an abortion, her existing relationship and her existing
    constitutional rights with regards to that relationship will be
    terminated . . .
  4. That there is an increased risk of depression and suicide after abortion

None of these statements are unequivocally true. The fourth statement is 100% false, while the rest are, at best, matters of opinion. And notice how no such legislation exists for women who choose to give birth. Don't they need to be coerced, guilt-tripped, and lied to as well? I think so. That's why I propose the following legislation. Like South Dakota's law, this one will not be confined by things like facts or observable reality.

During every prenatal visit at a doctor's office, pregnant women must watch an episode of Supernanny. Then, they must be given the following information:

1. Many more women die from childbirth than from abortion.

2. 100% of women who have ever suffered from post-partum depression and post-partum psychosis have given birth soon before the onset of their symptoms.

3. Kids are fucking expensive.

4. Giving birth too many times can make your vagina turn inside out.

5. Giving birth causes baby unicorns to get run over by landscapers on their giant riding lawnmowers, which, in turn, causes lightning to strike one of your loved ones. The jury's still out on whether or not the lightning strikes kills that loved -- but do you really want to take that chance?!

6. If you have a kid, there's a chance a Republican president will send her or him to fight, and possibly die, in a senseless war that kills 10 times more civilians than actual enemies.

7. Hannah Montana, Flavor Flav, That's Amore, Tila Tequila, Tyra Banks, Dr. Phil, Maury, Hogan Knows Best, Rock of Love, Ron Paul. Now do you want to bring a child into this scary world? Didn't think so!

In this legislation, "vagina" is defined as "a woman's down there lady parts, or hoo-ha."

Michael Savage Didn't Listen to Daddy

via Media Matters

The always classy Master of Asshatery Michael Savage recently went on a tirade about kids with autism. Even though nobody paged Doctor Asshat, he felt the need to claim that 99% of people with autism are malingerers. After that, he shared a fuzzy memory about what his pa used to tell him:

[I]f I behaved like a fool, my father called me a fool. And he said to me, 'Don't behave like a fool.' The worst thing he said -- 'Don't behave like a fool. Don't be anybody's dummy. Don't sound like an idiot. Don't act like a girl. Don't cry.' That's what I was raised with. That's what you should raise your children with. Stop with the sensitivity training. You're turning your son into a girl, and you're turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men. That's why we have the politicians we have.

Behaving like a fool -- check.
Being a dummy -- check.
Sounding like an idiot -- double check.
Don't cry -- triple check, cuz all I heard of that was "Boo-hoo-hoo. *yell* My dad hates me. *argh*"

I love how being a girl is somehow an insult. Being a girl is not the worst thing in the world. I should know, because I have a clitoris, and that fucking rules. What does Michael Savage have? A phallic-looking microphone pressed against his chapped lips. Who would want that over a clitoris? Nobody.

Take Action Monday

Tell your Senators to override Bush's veto of the Medicare bill that would have stopped the 10% payment cuts.

Tell President Bush that you don't want federal funds to go to crisis pregnancy centers that lie to women and limit their rights.

Urge the UN Security Council to deploy peacekeepers to Darfur. And send this to Condoleezza Rice, just for good measure. Why not, send this to Bush too.

Add your name to this petition and tell Defense Secretary Robert Gates to plan a troop withdrawl.

Say no to a Senate fillibuster of women's right to fair pay.

Sign this petition to let Congress know that you oppose Bush's latest attack on access to birth control.

Pledge to vote for candidates who support LGBT people and their rights.

Tell John McCain to support women's reproductive rights. I know it's a longshot.

Send a message to the editor of The New Yorker to denounce their recent racist magazine cover.

If you haven't already, register to vote.

Karl Rove, go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pro-Life (il)Logic

When I first saw this picture, I was horrified. "Oh, no! Someone assassinated Barack Obama!" And then I realized what this woman is saying. This woman, who is apparently some sort of medium, is suggesting that an embryo that would have definitely become president in 2008 was aborted, and therefore, the United States of America will never have a president again! *Ominous music!* This November, as you eagerly watch the 24-hour news to find out who has won the presidential election (and whether or not your vote actually counted), the news anchor will surprise you with the following newsbreak:

"Today's presidential election took a strange and surprising turn. Just as the last exit polls were coming in, we received word that neither Barack Obama nor John McCain has won the election. In fact, nobody won the presidential election, because the next president actually never got past the embryonic stage -- he was aborted! [Of course you know that the embryo is a he, even in its asexual state.] Despite the fact that the presidential campaign has gone on for two years, we won't have a president all -- or ever!"

And this nut most likely has had this conversation with one of her kids. It's a conversation that most kids have with their parents and the one we wish Dubya had with H.W. and Barb:

Kid: Mommy, will I ever become president?
Nut: Because I love you, I'll be realistic. Probably not, sweetheart.

Because only embryos who have been electively aborted are capable of becoming president. Everybody knows that.

I have an idea for the woman in the above picture. Why doesn't she run for president? She's hanging her cap off of her belt loop, so she's obviously at least 35. And with the way this country is going, it probably doesn't even matter how old she is. I mean, if someone who is negative 8 months old could be the next president, someone as dense as this woman definitely has a shot.

Friday, July 18, 2008

So Definitely Funny, Gen-Gen Genocide!

I know there's nothing funny about genocide, but just try not to laugh while watching this video. It is unintentionally hilarious.

That video is from Switch Over to Darfur. During the Olympics, Switch Over to Darfur encourages viewers to switch the channel and not watch the commercials, since advertisers aren't putting pressure on China to help stop the genocide. Instead, they want us to watch Mia Farrow's reporting on the genocide. Even though the video above is pretty ridiculous, I think the campaign is cool -- and easy. I mean, you don't even have to get up. So pledge to Switch Over to Darfur.

So Not Funny, John McCain

John McCain is a regular comedian. Can you believe he's been doing this for 20 years? He has so much material! Bombing Iran, being a president that'll help women, and even rape. Here's a joke he made during his Senate campaign in 1986 (via Rum, Romanism, and Rebellion, with the original article here):

Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’

Are your sides splitting? Neither are mine.

Reclaiming Queef Nugget

Kick-ass woman Kristen Schaal was on The Daily Show last night talking about demeaning names women are given based on their sexual behavior. Very funny!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Vote for Feministe's Next Top Troll

Feministe posted a poll for us to vote for their best troll (I didn't mean for that to rhyme, I swear). They've posted 12 sexist/sad/hilarious comments, and readers vote for their favorite one. The one with the most votes has the honor of being Feministe's Next Top Troll. I voted for the genius who said this:

Silly feminist. I blame the 19th amendment.
Women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

I’d rather hear opinions from a goat.
They’re clearly all insane.
We should just remove their brains.
And send them out to sea and sink the boat.

I'm not sure if the last three lines refer to the women or the goats, but it still has poet laureate written all over it. Laureate . . . over it. That sort of rhymes too!

UPDATE 7/16: It's been a week since my first post here, and the blog has 100 hits (and I know I didn't visit 100 times). *happy!*

Bush Needs a Dictionary

The Bush administration wants to make a new rule that allows federal grant money to be given to hospitals and other healthcare organizations that oppose abortion. This rule will also not allow hosptials and healthcare providers to deny to hire someone based on their moral oppositions to abortion. So, I guess if you're a nurse who opposes birth control but decides to work at an OB/GYN's office anyway, you can get paid to do nothing. Suddenly, I'm reconsidering my career path.

But what does the Bush administration mean by "abortion?" Whas is an abortion really? I'll give you some time to take a stab at it . . .

. . .

. . .

Okay, did you guess? My guess is "the termination of a pregnancy." Now let's see what the Bush administration's definition of an abortion is:

any of the various procedures — including the prescription, dispensing and administration of any drug or the performance of any procedure or any other action — that results in the termination of the life of a human being in utero between conception and natural birth, whether before or after implantation.

Uhhhhh . . . okay. So an abortion is basically anything that happens to a fertilized egg that keeps it from coming out of a vagina as a screaming baby covered in slime. Emergency contraception -- that could be an abortion. Birth control pills -- could be an abortion. Intrauterine contraceptives -- abortion, maybe. Passing a fertilized egg during your period because maybe it didn't fertilize in an optimal place in the Fallopian tube, or because you were deficient in some vitamin, or because you were really stressed out about the possibility of unintentionally having an abortion according to the Bush administration -- well, hot damn, that's definitely an abortion!

So, ladies, if you've ever been sexually active, even if you used protection, since there's always the possibility of protection failing and conception occurring, you just might have already had an abortion, according to Bush. Can't wait to tell a pro-lifer!

People Pay Rent

Voters in Colorado will be able to vote on when personhood begins. The initiative, called The Human Life Amendment, seeks to define a person as "any human being from the moment of fertilization." It seems like people forget that, sometimes, being a person kind of sucks. One thing that sucks about being a person is that, while you have plenty of freedoms, you're freedom is also limited (that's obvious in this legislation).

See, people have the right to live wherever they want, but they can't live there for free. If a fertilized egg has the civil right to live in a woman's body, that right has to come at a price. And how I look at it, that price is around $650 a month. That's reasonable rent for a studio apartment. I think the uterus is comprable to a studio, right? It's like one really small room. And don't forget the utilities. How much does it cost to keep your heart ticking? I'm sure economists in Colorado can figure that one out.

Oh, wait. Embryos can't make money! Now, what happens to people who don't have the money to pay their rent. They get evicted! Sorry, egg. No squatters allowed.

So Not Funny, The New Yorker

By now, everyone has seen the cover of The New Yorker featuring Barack and Michelle Obama as a Muslim and a 'fro-sporting radical, respectively. People are saying "Muslim" and "'fro-sporting radical" like it's a bad thing! Anyway, the magazine claims this is "satire," which is a word people use when they've been caught being racist assholes. From their statement:

The burning flag, the nationalist-radical and Islamic outfits, the fist-bump, the portrait on the wall? All of them echo one attack or another. Satire is part of what we do, and it is meant to bring things out into the open, to hold up a mirror to prejudice, the hateful, and the absurd. And that's the spirit of this cover.

There's nothing in this cartoon that says "right-wingers are paranoid loonies" to me. So, not funny, The New Yorker.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sometimes, Hypermasculinity Bites You in the Ass

I'm kind of on a roll with the posts, since I've been gone for so long. I know a lot happened over the weekend and today (especially some so not funny stuff [I'm looking at you, The New Yorker and John MacLaughlin), so I'll be posting about that tomorrow.

Anyway, last week, the Smoking Gun reported on a cage-fighting event going totally gay thanks to one of my heros, Sacha Baron Cohen. The funnyman of Da Ali G. Show fame was filming a scene in Arkansas for his upcoming movie surrounding his character Bruno, a gay Austrian fashionisto. Lured by advertising that promised "hot chicks, cold beer, and hardcore fights," hundreds of fans instead saw a make-out fest between two dudes. How did the crowd react? They threw beers and chairs at the ring. What a tired stereotype, right? Hypermasculine, homophobic, drunk, and childish. And why were they so pissed off? I mean, two dudes making out isn't much gayer than two guys dancing in a cage with only their undies on. Am I right or am I right?

So Not Funny, Moe and Tracie

This is kind of old news, but it's still relevant. Moe and Tracie of Jezebel were recently on Thinking and Drinking, and they showed up smashed. Whether the sexist jokes about rape were due to the drink or whether they were actually trying to be funny -- well, you decide. Here's some of what they said.

Moe: I don't know if this (rape) has happened to me or if I just drink too much...
Tracie: I once paid someone to rape me once... Well, I didn't pay for it, I had a magazine pay for it.

Tracie (responding to Lizz's questioning about why she doesn't think rape is something that women like her should worry about): I live in Williamsburg, there aren't very assertive men there
(and on why she hasn't been raped): I think it has to do with the fact that I am like, smart"

Moe (on being raped): The third guy I ever had sex with, date raped me, and I got very mad at him, but I wasn't gonna fucking like turn him in to the police and fucking go through shit...
Lizz: Why not, you see that's the problem, why not, I am just curious?
Moe: Because it was a load of trouble and I had better things to do, like drinking more.

So not funny! This prompted Jessica Valenti of Feministing to write about humor and feminism, and since I can't say it any better, I suggest you read her post.

Take Action Monday

I decided to make "Take Action Friday" "Take Action Monday," because Mondays kind of blow, and it helps to do something good on a day so suckish. Plus, I was gone from my computer for several days, so I have a lot of petitions for you all to sign and e-mails to send to your legislators.

Thank your Senators if they voted against the new FISA amendments that were passed that gave telecommunications companies retroactive immunity for spying on all of us without warrants.

Urge your Representitives to put pressure on the Indonesian government to release to prisoners who were arrested for celebrating their independence.

Add your name to the list of people opposing the new FISA bill.

Tell the five permanent members of the UN Security Council to act and help end the genocide in Darfur.

Have you ever been a victim of workplace discrimination? Share your story with the National Women's Law Center.

Even if you're not from California, e-mail Governor Schwarzenegger and tell him to do something about the farmworkers who have been dying heatstroke.

Tell Congress to fund Title X and ditch abstinence-only sex education.

Urge your Senator to stand up against HIV-positive immigrant discrimination.

Support the Employee Free Choice Act.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

John McCain's Latest Brain Fart

When asked if insurance compaines that cover Viagra and not birth control were unfair to women, John McCain answered the question thusly:

I don't know enough about it to give you an informed answer because I don't recall the vote. ... I don't usually duck an issue, but I'll try to get back to you.

While John McCain continues to stroke his chin in hopes that it'll jog is foggy memory, I'll do a simple search to find out how he voted on this issue.

Oh, here it is. He voted Nay on an amendment to the "partial-birth" abortion ban called "Equitable Coverage of Prescription Contraceptives." Looks like the Straight Talk Express could use wireless internet.

Next week, John McCain will introduce legislation for equitable coverage of prescription ginkgo biloba.

15 Easy Steps to Achieve Complete Insanity

Who doesn't love a good list? I make a list of things to do every day. But OK! magazine's 15 Tips for Getting (and Keeping) a Guy is so ridiculous that I nearly peed myself. The four-page article is actually written with country singer and American Idol winner (should've been Bo, damnit) Carrie Underwood, which is funny in itself. If she or any other woman seriously attempted these tips, the only guy she'd get and keep is the one dragging her off to the psych ward. The contradictions in this list, if followed, are enough to make anybody go mental.

1. Be confident -- or fake it! . . . [Relationship expert Matt] Titus suggests repeating this mantra: "My self-confidence, self-esteem and overall image of who I am will not be shaped by the opinions of men. If a guy doesn't like me because of the way I look or the way I am, there must be somthing wrong with him!"

Did I mention all the tips are in pink? *sigh* Anyway, you know when a list starts out like this, the rest of it's going to be about how you should judge yourself on the opinions of men and that there's something wrong with you if you can't "get and keep" one. I mean, isn't that the whole point of this list anyway?

2. It's okay to be one of the guys . . . [B]urping and ordering double cheesburgers while screaming for your favorite team needs to be part of your personality that he sees after that "girly girl" side.

But don't be too confident and don't be too much like one of the guys because . . . .

3. Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body . . . [N]o guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy. Men love curves.

Pffffffffffffff. That's the sound of the self-esteem of the women who take this seriously deflating. Let's skip ahead.

7. Focus on him. When you're on a date, act like the person you're with is the only person in the world . . . Plus, guys are competitive and insecure . . . .

Act like he's the only person in the world, huh? In other words, brush up on your impression of a a coat rack. And because your guy is so insecure, be sure to . . . .

8. Don't panic if he doesn't call. In the beginning, you must make him believe he is an afterthought.

If your insecure man survives the rejection, congratulations! You're ready to move to step 9!

9. Don't rush him. We call the words "Where is this going?" the Final Four . . . Never utter these words if you want to keep him around. Men will go running if they think there is pressure on them.

Conversely, if you want to get rid of a guy, ask "Where is this going?" Better yet, make it the Final Five and add "honey" somewhere in the this sentence. But if you really want to get rid of him, I can think of some other four-word sentences to send him packing -- "I have genital herpes." "I voted for Bush." "I'm a radical feminist." And, if it's even possible at this point . . . .

13. Learn to love yourself first! When a woman loves her body, it's the sexiest thing in the world. Men love a woman who doesn't dive into the corner and hide behind the drapes when the lights go on.

You know, you really should have told me this ten steps ago, before I was told that men are that shallow when it comes to my body.

In short, if you want to get and keep a guy, you have to be confident (or at least hate yourself in secret), stuff your face, but not too much, or else your body won't be beautiful enough for your shallow man to like, but love the body you have, no matter how it looks, and do this all for the judgmental asshat who is, in reality, just as insecure as you are now that you've finished reading this list.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Introducing [A] Funny Feminist.

Hello, everyone. The Mets are in a rain delay at the moment, so I decided to introduce my new blog. My name is Emily, and I contributed to another blog called Feminists to the Rescue where I posted about feminist issues and things like that. After nearly two years, I decided to create a new blog with a different twist. I decided to go funny.

How did I come to this conclusion? We all know that the only times people ever pay attention to the social contributions of women are when we're either naked or funny. After blogging in the nude for a week with no results, I figured to give humor a stab. Now obviously, sexism isn't all that funny. It's pretty serious, actually. But sexist assholes can sometimes be funny, and pointing that out is important, because laughter is like kryptonite to sexist assholes. We all know that sexist assholes are gelotophobics (that's the fear of being laughed at), so the more we laugh at them, the quicker they return to the shadows. It's just that simple. Well, not really, but it's a start.

I've decided to include a few segments on this blog. Just like in FTTR, I'll be posting weekly "Take Action" posts on the weekends with links to petitions and letters to send to lawmakers and other powerful people in order for change to happen. I'll be exposing the hypocrisy of the pro-life movement in a segment called "Pro-Life Indeed." "Join Us" will be a call to reactionary sexists who want to go back to the days when men dragged their wives back to their caves by their hair to finally evolve to the modern era. I'll also answer some of the hilarious questions posed by sexists and all-around xenophobes in a segment called "Important Question!" After all, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask them. And since sexist jokes are so rampant, I'll post those in a segment called "Sooooo Not Funny." And I'll post some funny feminist videos that I happen to find (I'm eagerly awaiting Jon Stewart's and Stephen Colbert's vacations to be over already!).

The blog is still under construction. By tomorrow, I should have my new header up. I've already created the logo, and I just have to decide how I'm going to write the title. That's right, people. It's all hand-drawn by moi. I already have ideas for my first three posts: 1) What happens when hundreds of cage fighting enthusiasts in Arkansas are exposed to man-on-man action of a different kind? 2) OK! magazine gives women 15 tips on how to snag -- and keep! -- the perfect yet insecure and shallow man, and 3) Sooooo Not Funny, Moe and Tracie!

Oh, and if anyone who happens to be reading this wants me to post a link to a cool site or their own progressive blog, feel free to comment.

Until tomorrow . . . peace!

UPDATE 7/10: Like the new header? Drew it myself! The pink is a little hard to see. I might go over it another time. But for now, I think it's adorable :)