Urge Senator Paul to Introduce the Protect Consumers from Electricity and Plumbing Act.

In a Senate meeting with the Energy Department regarding companies providing energy-efficient appliances to consumers, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) had this brilliant nugget to bestow on the congregation:

"I think there should be self-examination from the administration on the idea that you favor a woman's right to an abortion but you don't favor a woman, or a man's, right to choose what kind of light bulb, what kind of dishwasher."

Mr. Paul! I resent the fact that you believe pro-choicers like myself haven't thought about such pressing issues, like buying light bulbs and dishwashers. That's why I have proposed the following legislation that I hope Congressional Republicans will introduce very soon. Jobs can wait. Choosing appliances can have life-long ramifications. In fact, I think something like 84% of people regret purchasing energy-efficient products. because they hate saving money and the environment. I thank you in advance for your consideration in this ground-breaking, life-saving legislation.

We all know that purchasing appliances is a difficult decision. There's that hop on the freeway, walking through the parking lot, waiting for some salesperson to help you. And, of course, those salespeople are going to murder your freedoms and push some "Energy Star" product on you.

So, before someone buys an appliance, consumers must listen to a detailed description of the appliance. They must also point out all of the simple and complex machines and parts that make up the appliance. Then, they must go to a special Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and be counseled by anti-electricity counselors against buying the appliance. After that, consumers must wait at least 24 hours before purchasing the appliance. Or longer, if they need it. And if they're still convinced to buy the appliance of their choosing, they must walk through dozens of anti-electricity protesters holding signs and calling consumers murderous whores. "Use your finger nails to scrub out caked-on food, like REAL AMERICANS!!!" "Light bulbs MURDER candles!!!" Surely no one would buy an appliance after enduring all of that, but the truly terrible among us do.

But what about those appliance consumers who regret their decision to buy appliances? They can go back to the Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and get post-appliance-buying counseling for their Post-Appliance Syndrome, the terrible mental and spiritual disease caused by buying appliances. What? You've heard that Post-Appliance Syndrome doesn't exist? That's what those terrible science-y people want you to think! It's all lies. Beware of Post-Appliance Syndrome.

Prevent it with the Protect Consumers from Appliances and Plumbing Act.

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with an Embryo

Big news, people. An actual 9-week old embryo will "testify" in an Ohio court during hearings for a bill that would ban all abortions after a heartbeat can be detected.

“For the first time in a committee hearing, legislators will be able to see and hear the beating heart of a baby in the womb–just like the ones the Heartbeat Bill will protect,” said Janet (Folger) Porter, President of Faith2Action, and former Legislative Director of Ohio Right to Life, where she helped pass the nation’s first ban on Partial Birth Abortion.

Two in-utero babies will appear live before the committee by an ultrasound projector which is able to not only show that baby’s moving arms and legs, but also display–in color–the baby’s beating heart. “When passed, the Heartbeat Bill will insure that once that heartbeat is detected, the baby is protected,” added Porter.

Pretty big scoop, right? WRONG! Only I have the exclusive interview with an 8-week old embryo. And yes, I got permission from the pregnant lady that the embryo is inside of. Don't know if I can say the same for Ms. Porter.

Me: Hey, embryo. How's it going.

Embryo: Meh. Mommy threw up like 5 times today. Sometimes I understand how much physical pain I cause her, but that's my food too that she's puking.

Me: Yeah, it's hard out there for an embryo.

Embryo: You mean IN there.

Me: Sure. I wanted to ask you about this Heartbeat Bill in Ohio.

Embryo: Huh?

Me: You know, the one that could ban abortion once a heartbeat of the embryo is detected.

Embryo: Didn't hear about that one. Does it matter that the pregnant woman has a heartbeat?

Me: No, her heartbeat doesn't matter. She'd be forced to continue the pregnancy and give birth.

Embryo: It kind of seems unfair that my heartbeat counts so much more than my mother's.

Me: Tell me more.

Embryo: I mean, if the people for this Heartbeat Bill would treat my mommy like that, you know, give her no significance at all, how would they treat me once I'm born?

Me: I have some experience being outside the womb, and anti-choicers don't treat women very nicely. They call them sluts and whores and put guilt trips on them when they're raped. And they don't just hate pregnant women. They hate women who choose not to get pregnant or can't get pregnant, whether they're straight, lesbian, or transgender. What do you think about that?

Embryo: That's a terrible world. I don't know what kind of person I'd be. But it seems like I have a great chance of becoming the kind of person that these pro-lifers would care about at all. They seem to like me now, but once I'm born, they'd rather me be dead, unless I become their perfect vision of a person.

Me: Is that possible?

Embryo: My mommy's an Atheist. And my daddy's a gay sperm donor majoring in Africana Studies.

[We laugh -- hard]

Embryo: Seriously, though. I thought it was hard being an embryo. It's a lot harder to be a person, especially if you're not male, cis, Christian, heterosexual, White, able-bodied, and rich.

Me: Would you rather be aborted?

Embryo: That's all up to my intelligent, responsible, autonomous mommy.

WTF: Anti-Choice Deraliers

I usually read the comments on abortion blog posts in safe places, like those that mostly pro-choicers frequent, to spare myself from the idiotic anti-woman rhetoric espoused by anti-choicers. But there are just some really strange reactions to really no-brainer situations, such as the recent indictment of an illegal late-term abortion provider in Pennsylvania. The reports about the incident are horrific (I'll talk more about it tomorrow in my Blog for Choice post). In short, the "doctor" performed illegal late-term abortions on mostly poor immigrant women. He is charged with 7 murders of babies that he delivered alive and then severed their spinal cords with scissors, and one murder of a woman who overdosed on painkillers while waiting to have an abortion. I read some of the comments left in this Care2 post about it, and they just blew my mind.

The people that went to the clinic for late term abortions agreeing to have this done should be charged with murder. If you are six, seven or eight months along and change your mind about having a baby, you need to stick it out and give the baby up for adoption. Killing it to avoid the inconvenience of carrying it for another month or two should not be an option. The women that died doing this deserved it.

Pro-life, indeed! Isn't it great when a poor pregnant immigrant woman who is probably uneducated and doesn't speak English gets painkillers shoved down her throat to the point where she dies? That'll show that whore! I'm sure glad that my mother didn't abort me, or else I'd never be able to pass judgment on women so desperate to end their pregnancies that they'd get a back alley abortion. It's the best part of living.

Late term abortion is murder. Period. I am very liberal but i have absolutely NO pity for a woman who would allow her infant to be slaughtered. Infanticide should never ever ever be legal and i think the women who died getting an abortion at 8 months deserved what they got. There is ALWAYS another option. And even if they felt there wasn't, what's to stop them having an abortion at 8 wks or 12 wks before their child IS A VIABLE INFANT WHO HAS MORE OF A RIGHT TO LIVE than its mother.

Did you know that? Did you know that viable fetuses have more of a right to live than the pregnant women they're inside of? I didn't know that, but someone on the Internet screamed it at me in ALL CAPS, so it must be true. Yes, the only thing this person is "very liberal" with is their use of misogynistic rhetoric.

To save the mother's life a late term abortion I can understand, I don't understand waiting up to the very end to decide on abortion if the women is not at risk. One would imagine this guy could make more money being a baby broker for parents wanting to adopt a black market baby, and split the cost with the birth mother.

What? What??? Seriously, this lady has to be fucking shitting me. Who reacts to a story about women and infants dying from an unlicensed abortion provider performing illegal abortions, that aren't even performed by licensed providers, with such nonsense? What this person is basically saying, without realizing it because she's too busy demonizing pregnant poor women of color, is that these babies could have been even more money in the bank for a sex trafficker or slave trader, and everyone would be better off that way. Financially speaking. And she would understand that better than poor women seeking later-term abortions in a country where they're illegal. Seriously. What the fuck. Selling babies to pedophiles -- good. Late-term abortions -- very, very bad, according to this lady.

I shouldn't say that only anti-choicers totally derailed that conversation. The vast majority of the comments I saw didn't mention the "doctor" that was indicted and used the comments section as a forum to debate whether or not abortion is a moral choice, the personhood of fetuses, and the reasonableness of late-term abortion. Of course, the proper reaction would have been to hope for justice for the women and babies who were allegedly murdered by this guy, no matter what your stance on abortion. But anti-choicers simply cannot get past their deeply held hatred of women to even respond appropriately to these murders. Their first instinct when they see an article about women dying from an illegal abortion is to blame the women first.

10 Things Anti-Choice Protesters Can Do to Help a Child Live a Happy Life

I just finished watching (and re-watching some of) the HBO documentary 12th and Delaware. It's about an intersection in Florida where there is an abortion clinic and a crisis pregnancy center (CPC). Unfortunately, most of the documentary follows CPC workers and anti-choice protesters. I guess that's where all the juiciness is. But I saw the anti-choice protesters in a different way. Don't get me wrong. I did not see past their ignorance and downright hatred for women. It was abundant. But what got me the angriest was that they were wasting some of their redeeming qualities, like tenacity, dedication, and passion, on harassing and hurting women. They spend their days, and make their living, harassing, lying to, and insulting the intelligence of women and teen girls. The "counselor" of the CPC and an anti-choice protester in the film admitted that their tactics may be harmful and/or illegal (e.g., stalking doctors and locking pregnant women in a room for 6 hours to convince them not to have an abortion), but it was worth it, because they thought they were helping.

Imagine if they engaged in activities that helped children, instead of denigrating women?

So I had the idea to do some convincing myself. I don't know if I will convince anybody to change their routine, but I'll just get it out there. I would like anybody who spends their days protesting outside of abortion clinics and other women's health centers to take one hour, just ONE HOUR, out of their protesting schedule to help real sentient children live fulfilling lives. Here are some ideas.

1. Spend an hour reading to one or more children at the local library or hospital. In an hour, you can read a couple of really good picture books, and it's a great excuse to talk in funny character voices.

2. Join an organization like Big Brothers/Big Sisters, and spend an hour with a child playing an awesome board game like Chutes and Ladders. There's no chute for the girl who had an abortion, but I'm sure pro-lifers can still appreciate the lessons learned.

3. Volunteer at the library or an after-school program, and spend an hour helping children with their homework.

4. Get together with neighborhood parents and organize a carpool to transport children to and from school. It helps kids and the environment!

5. Spend an hour at the local recreation center and teach music, dancing, art, baking, or first aid to children.

6. I highly doubt that most anti-choicers would do this, but I'll give it a shot. Spend an hour a day being a crisis intervention counselor for The Trevor Project, a hotline for suicidal LGBTQ youth. Help save the life of a transgender, genderqueer, gay, bisexual, or questioning kid in need.

7. Spend a half hour standing outside of the grocery store and collect money for UNICEF, the March of Dimes, or Abandoned Babies and Children. Spend the other half hour buying groceries to donate to the local food bank, since millions of kids go hungry every day in the United States.

8. Spend an hour at a group home for foster children, teen moms, runaways, or juvenile offenders and talk or play with them.

9. Volunteer at the local park and motivate children to exercise and eat healthy.

10. Spend an extra hour a day enjoying the company of your own children, grandchildren, and the other adorable little kids in your lives. They might be jealous that you're giving so much attention to other women's embryos.

This isn't about changing the views of anti-choicers. I'm not even telling them to stop protesting outside of clinics (although I wish they would, since they're doing more harm than good [that was a rhyme]). All I'm saying is that the above 10 things (and many others) are at least as rewarding as protesting outside of a clinic, and way more effective at helping children live happy lives. So take an hour each day and help children in need who can at least smile in appreciation. Some might even say thank you!

P.S. Although I say "volunteer" throughout the post, you can get a paying job to do some of those things. But you'd have to do it for more than an hour, of course.

Who to Honor Today

Today is Memorial Day, a day that since the Civil War, has been observed to honor the soldiers who died during war time. Soldiers haven't died fighting to preserve America's young democracy in a long time, probably not since the Civil War, oddly enough. Since then, Americans have fought in other people's wars to protect other people, and we tell ourselves that they're fighting for us, because that protects our psyche. Whether you agree with the reasons for going to war or not, these soldiers are still dead. It is important for Americans to honor the memories of the tens of thousands of soldiers who have died protecting people we care deeply about, even if it's just each other.

Today is also the one year anniversary of the murder of Dr. George Tiller, one of the only late-term abortion providers in the country, by anti-choice terrorist and convicted murderer Scott Roeder. Women from across the country with pregnancies that threatened their lives and health and that of their fetuses received care from Dr. Tiller and the other personnel at his clinic in Kansas. He helped them relieve some of the suffering in a very difficult and sad part of their lives. Please honor him on this day.

The Funny & Fucked Up

The Funny

After Bill O'Reilly tells Columbia University professor Dr. Marc Lamont Hill that he looks like a cocaine dealer, Dr. Hill responds: "You look like a cocaine user."

A couple of feminist blogs have talked about a new right-wing website called America Speaking Out. Conservatives post their ideas to improve America, and visitors to the site vote for the ideas. It appears that several funny liberals have taken the site over and posted some jokes.

The Fucked Up

A radio station in Columbus, Ohio had a contest in which the "winner" gets a trip to Phoenix, Arizona to "chase aliens." You can encourage them to apologize here.

An elementary school teacher in Norfolk, Virginia gave four-inch plastic fetus dolls to their students, along with anti-choice messages.

I Know Rape Apology When I Read It. Rape Apologists Don't

My absence has been long, but I know somebody has lurked here in the meantime (more on that later). Unfortunately, my grand return isn't going to be one of those funny posts that I usually do. The frequency of my funny entries is entirely subjective, but I assure you, this is one of the posts that better fits my recently created subheading.

Nobody asked, but one of my biggest pet peeves is rape apology. If that's not liberal elite enough for you, perhaps you'd rather drop the term "rape apologia" at a party. For those who don't know, rape apology is speech that takes the side of the perpetrator in spite of the victim in rape cases. In essence, the rape apologist is apologizing, or explaining away, the especially heinous crime of rape (seriously, who doesn't watch Law & Order: SVU?). It is damaging to all women, not just victims of rape, but survivors who are subjected to this vitriol can really be hurt by this.

It all started with this post at Her Authority, a blog I highly recommend, written by ProChoiceGal. Actually, it started with this post at some other blog that I don't really care about. On Twitter, the author of the blog that I don't really care about tweeted a link about the 11-year-old pregnant Mexican girl who was raped, allegedly by her stepfather. The title of the article was 11-Year-Old 'Rape' Victim Wants to Keep Baby (stay classy, FOX News). Even novice feminists see the problem with putting the word rape in quotation marks; it totally delegitimizes what happened to this girl. ProChoiceGirl replied, asking what's up with the quotes around the word rape. The author of the blog that I don't really care about doesn't see the problem and took it upon herself to write an entire post lambasting ProChoiceGal about the fact that she did not report her rapist to the police. Here's only the second most offensive part of the post:

@ProChoiceGal wrote an entire blog post on “Anti-Choicers and Rape Apologists” [my side note: please read it!]. But I think she overlooked the real rape apologist, herself. She is so engulfed in her role as the victim; she totally ignores the bastard that raped her. Is he in jail? If not, why the hell not?

Calling a rape survivor a rape apologist for not reporting the rape? This person considers herself to be pro-life, by the way, and proves that women can be just as sexist as men. I agree with ProChoiceGal when she says that this is how anti-choicers react to pro-choicers who call out bullshit. They get scared and refuse to think about how their words are perceived by others. Speaking of which, I called that rape apologist a Grade-A 100% piece of dog shit. I thought long and hard in crafting that insult, and I'm pretty proud of it. After ProcChoiceGal explained why she didn't report the rape, the rape apologist said this, and it really set me off:

How many other young women has this guy raped because he wasn’t put in jail? For generations, perverts have been allowed to attack their victims, and NOTHING is done to them. They get away with it, and do it again, and again. This is what has to change.

I don't have to explain why this logic is problematic and pure rape apology, right?*But that's exactly what the author of that gem wanted me to do, in 140 characters or less, at that! So, the rape apologist came to my neglected blog to check out my Twitter feed in order to talk about me.

@Justsnapd8 #uncovertheculprit UN @funnyfeminist aka FEMily posted the comment http://twitpic.com/1ia19a Apology expected! #prochoice #prolife

Since when do I belong to the UN? I don't have my own country, yet.

@Justsnapd8 @FunnyFeminist Why would you call someone you don't know, an asshole, and a piece of dog shit? Did I do something to u? #prolife #prochoice

Not just to me, to all of womankind. I didn't say why, because I think metacognition is important. Doing her thinking for her just rewards laziness. I told her to read the comment she left for ProChoiceGal over and over until it clicked in her mind that she was indeed engaging in rape apology. She came back to me five minutes later, totally not getting it. I told her to spend more than five minutes thinking about it. I checked my feed every few minutes to see what she had to say, and was impressed that nearly an entire half hour passed without a response. After all that waiting, she said:

@Justsnapd8 @FunnyFeminist I refuse to let a person w/ little or no real life experience, attempt to belittle me this way. Goodbye Emily

I think it's funny that she believes 25 years, 7 months, and 7 days isn't enough life experience to engage in a serious conversation, but she'll fight to the death for the pretend rights of zygotes, who are -9.5 months old, no matter how much it belittles the human rights of women. Maybe her affinity with zygotes is due to the fact that they never talk back, unlike those bitchy educated Latinas.

I told that poor woman that her hostility toward metacognition will ultimately be her downfall. And I didn't say that just to sound highfalutin. I did it because I'm genuinely concerned about people who refuse to think about their thinking. That's exactly how rape apologia, and other types of hate speech, spread unchecked. So when you're called out on your bullshit, just check it. It's really eye-opening and makes you a better person.

*In case I do have to explain it, this kind of logic is rape apologia, because it makes the victim, rather than the rapist, responsible for other women's suffering. It is thinly veiled in the common sexist belief that women are the morally superior sex, and is therefore responsible for the well-being of every person in the entire world, a burden that nobody else is expected to carry. This belief, possibly in a contradictory way, has been used to argue against suffrage, abortion rights, education equity, and basically every other civil rights fight that women have been engaging in since the beginning of time.

Mothers Get a Day. "Abortion Recovery" Gets a Month

For the second year in a row, Minnesota's Republican governor Tim Pawlenty declared April "Abortion Recovery Month." You know, because we feeble-minded ladies need a month to recover from having an abortion. Hey, does that mean women can take that month off of work if they say they had an abortion? Because that would almost be worth being belittled by this ridiculous proclamation. Probably not, though, since Minnesota doesn't even have paid maternity leave.

I'm a bit peeved by this declaration, perhaps for different reasons than you think. Unless you checked out the title of this post. Declaring "Abortion Recovery Month" not only exaggerates the mental and physical affects of having an abortion to the point of totally silencing the women who made the decision to have an abortion with a clear conscious and without regret, it belittles the job of moms. This is very much like the anti-choice movement and the Republican Party in general, as neither group does anything to make it easier and more enjoyable to be a mom (or a kid, for that matter). In fact, they work pretty damn hard to make the lives of women and children suckier.

I just think that moms are at least as nice people as women who have regretted their abortions. So why should the latter get a whole month, while the former only get a day? I guess it's because conservatives don't like mothers and children as much as they like micromanaging what goes in and comes out of every woman's vagina.

Take Action Monday

Don't let big business buy our elections.

Help forgive Haiti's $1 billion debt.

Demand that the EPA test chemicals more thoroughly.

Support the Paycheck Fairness Act.

Tell Congress to fund education and job creation, not the war in Afghanistan.

Demand the truth about bank bonuses.

Urge President Obama to end nuclear weapons proliferation.

Tell the FDA to take GM corn off the shelves.

Stop the building of a military base in Okinawa that could disrupt marine life.

Tell CBS not to air anti-choice ad.

Take Action Monday on Tuesday

I was sick yesterday, so I didn't get the chance to post any petitions. This may be the first time I've had two colds in a year since I was a little kid.

Demand that CBS pull an anti-choice Super Bowl ad.

Don't let Citizens United v. FEC happen again. The Supreme Court will hear a case that may allow billionaires to donate an unlimited amount of money to campaigns.

Support common-sense healthcare reform for women and families.

Make sure health insurance is made affordable to older Americans.

Demand quality early childhood education in your state.

Tell President Obama to close Guantanamo Bay prison.

End world hunger.

Help free a Tibetan filmmaker.

Demand an exit strategy in Afghanistan.

Help stop Uganda's anti-gay bill.

Take Action Monday

Send a letter of support to Dr. Tiller's family. Dr. George Tiller was an OB/GYN who provided late-term abortions to women with unhealthy pregnancies, until he was murdered on Sunday morning outside of his church. He was one of the few OB/GYNs in the country who was willing and able to provide this important service to women who would have otherwise died or been seriously injured due to their pregnancies. Dr. Tiller had survived one assassination attempt, a bombing of his clinic, and daily death threats from extremists who would rather see a woman become infertile due to her unhealthy pregnancy, give birth to a dead baby or a baby that will live only a few minutes, or die in childbirth, than to see a man save these women's lives and give them a second chance at motherhood. Dr. Tiller was murdered by one of these extremists in front of his family and in front of his god. My thoughts go out to Dr. Tiller's wife, children, and grandchildren, as well as the many patients of Dr. Tiller, and the women who have to look for a new doctor who is as experienced and compassionate as Dr. Tiller who can provide the legal and life-saving procedures that extremists believe women should have no right to have.

Condemn the racist and sexist attacks against Judge Sonia Sotomayor.

Urge your Senators to support the Paycheck Fairness Act.

Help reduce the threat of nuclear weapons.

Ask Senators Kerry and Lugar to hold a hearing on Sudan.

Thank UN Peacekeepers for their good work.

I'm Funnier Than Rush

Yes, I am. It's not much of an accomplishment, but I think it could pad my resume. 

Rush Limbaugh attempted to make a joke on his show today. This is what I think happened. His first thought was "I'm going to tell a joke." Then, mid-joke-telling, probably due to chronic drug abuse, he totally forgot that anyone listening to him might be expecting to laugh after he finished speaking. And therefore . . . .

The old joke is this: God is watching The Oprah Winfrey Show, and he's just had it, 'cause he figures the human race -- and then he heard about Obama being invited at commencement speech at Notre Dame. He says, "That's just -- Notre Dame is inviting somebody who believes in infanticide to give the commencement speech? The most anti-life president in the history of the country and Notre Dame extends a commencement invite?" God, watching that and the Oprah show, says it's over. Humanity has failed. I have to step in. I'm going to end the world.

Buh-dum ching!

WTF of the Day

Kansas is proposing adding an Equal Rights Amendment to their state constitution.

“Quality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the state or any of its political or taxing subdivisions on account of sex.”

Very simple. Straight forward. Innocuous. Something that everybody can get behind. Right? Not so much.

But Catholic and anti-abortion groups worry that an ERA could make it impossible for the state to restrict abortions or curtail Medicaid-funded abortions.

“If we allow it to pass, Kansans will wake up one day wondering how a right to unrestricted and taxpayer-funded abortion was smuggled into our constitution,” said Beatrice Swoopes, a lobbyist with the Kansas Catholic Conference.

WTF? Seriously, someone answer that one for me.

You Think Feminists Are Humorless?

via Pandagon

The anti-feminists are way more humorless.

Jesus' General and North Dakota legislator Chuck Damschen are in a war of words over North Dakota's recent vote to give zygotes more rights than the women they're squatting in. Jesus' General is trying to organize a Billion Spermatozoan-American March to raise awareness for the rights of sperm cells. He invited Damschen to this revolutionary event, but he was turned down. Here are some highlights from the exchange, including Damschen's full response:

JG: Congratulations on the passage of your bill granting full civil-rights to zygote-Americans. It's a great start, but we both know it is only that, a start. Trillions upon trillions of our spermatazoan-American brothers continue to be murdered every hour in our nation. This tubesock holocaust must end . . . .
A law is needed to ensure that spermatazoan-Americans are cared for after their liberation. The law doesn't need to be burdensome--it should simply require men to liberate their spermatazoan-Americans into a mason jar they keep in a cool place (I use my cellar) until it can be transferred to a federally-funded Christian housing facility (built with stimulus money).
But as you know, it's very difficult to pass that kind of legislation. People just don't grasp the seriousness of the spermatazoan-Americans' plight. We need to raise public awareness, like African-Americans did in the Sixties with their March on Washington.
And that's what I'm thinking we should do--we should have a Spermatazoan-American March on Washington. But it needs to be big. It needs to be a Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington . . . .
I'd like to get together with you to plan this out in a bit more detail and, perhaps, get a little practice time in. Please let me know when you're available.

CD: When you get a chance, study up on the facts of life concerning how neither egg nor sperm develop life by themselves - the sperm has to fertilize the egg to begin the first stage of life - conception. No life has ever fully developed without first completing this stage. The body develops for approximately 9 months before leaving the womb and then develops for 9 -13 years to puberty, then continues to develop further and reaches adulthood by about the age of 18 -21 years, perhaps later in your case. If you destroy the developing body at any of these stages, development ceases and it dies. Taking the life of this developing person at its most helpless, defenseless stage of development while inside or partially inside the womb is called abortion. Now you've received more of an answer than deserved. Read it carefully several times until you grasp the understanding of how and when life begins and how and when it ends.

What a killjoy that Damschen is! Doesn't he see that Jesus' General was just trying to be funny, using the same pro-life (il)logic as Damschen? I swear. A funny feminist needs a humorless misogynist like Bill Goldberg needs a bicycle. Or something like that.

"You Aborted the Next President" Still Makes No Sense

Why don't the pro-lifers listen to me when I tell them that aborting the next president is impossible? Don't they know that I'm way smarter than they are? Trust me, pro-lifers. I don't like seeing anyone make an ass of themselves by publishing stupid shit on the internet. Not even you. Aren't I pretty great that way? You don't have to answer that. I already know that I am.

Anyway, the video above claims to feature Barack Obama when he was just a wee fetus. First of all, you can't even tell if it's him. That could be anybody. Second of all (and probably more importantly than my first point), ultrasound technology didn't exist in 1961, the year in which he spent most of his time in his lovely mother's uterus. And lastly, this organization didn't even support Barack Obama in the election. Now all of a sudden they're skipping down the street because his mother couldn't even legally get an abortion if she wanted to? Ugh. The stupid makes my head hurt.

Do My Job for Me, American Life League!

This thing I do isn't so easy. Being funny is hard work. That's why I get so happy when someone does something so ridiculously moronic that just repeating it makes it funny.

The American Life League, an anti-choice group, has a fit over Krispy Kreme donuts giving away each customer's choice of donut on January 20.

The Funny & The Fucked Up

The Funny:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Prop 8: The Musical shows the benefits of gay marriage. It stars some very funny people, like Margaret Cho, Jack Black, Andy Richter, John C. Reilly, and NPH.

Belledame222 at Fetch Me My Axe posted some funny would-be Men's Rights Activist blog titles.

The Fucked Up:

Amanda Palmer's record label won't promote her new single or video because she is "fat." Palmer, of Dresden Dolls fame, tried to leave her record label, but they won't let her. She gives the full story here.

Some dude from New Zealand blames women's lib and abortion for violence against women. This answers the age-old question "What do Orcs do when they're not guarding Mordor?" They whine to the public.

Because Colorado's Personhood Amendment Was So Successful

PUSA Promo (Web) from Endfallow on Vimeo

Even though Colorado's personhood amendment failed miserably, some really misguided people were inspired to start Personhood USA, an anti-choice organization that will try to do across the country what failed miserably in Colorado. Sorry for the redundancy, but I'm just so thrilled that the personhood amendment in Colorado failed so miserably. Anyway, Personhood USA wants to get states to recognize fertilized eggs as legal persons. Watch the video above and tell me what's missing . . . .

An introduction that looks like it was made in the 21st century? Yes, that is missing. The film-reelness of it all must really bring them back to a time when women with unwanted pregnancies paid a scumbag to punch them in the stomach. Ah, memories. I'm just disappointed there was no mushroom cloud or duck-and-cover lesson or anything. But even though the introduction was missing a little something, that's not the missing thing I was thinking about.

Proper vocabulary? Sure, that's missing too. I don't know what a pre-born baby is. Is that like pre-chewed food? Or a pre-cooked meal? Because when you put "pre" before a verb, it means that action has already taken place. "Pre-born baby" implies that the baby was already born, and you just have to take it out of the box and bake it at 350 for 45 minutes and ding! Speaking of babies in boxes, remember this? Anyway, correct vocabulary wasn't the missing factor I was thinking of either.

A valid point? Indeed, that is missing. Someone in the video quotes the Declaration of Independence. Many anti-choicers do this. They believe that because the Declaration of Independence has the phrase "right to life" in it, that the Declaration of Independence must apply to clumps of cells that live inside and off of women. News flash, people: Anything that needs to be inside a woman and feed off of her through a tube is not independent. That document only applies to those of us that are born. So although a valid point is missing, that's not the missing thing I was thinking of. No, what's missing is . . . .

A FERTILIZED EGG! If this organization's mission is to implement personhood amendments that define zygotes as people, then maybe this video should actually, you know, show a fertilized egg and tell us how much of a person it is. Maybe that video should go more like this:



"Yo. I'm obviously a human person just like you and the woman whose Fallopian tubes I'm traveling through right now. Give me more rights than she has, please!"

At least that would be a more accurate representation of what Personhood USA wants.

Pro-Lie Legislation (that's not a typo)

via The Washington Post

For women in South Dakota, getting an abortion just got more difficult.

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit last week lifted a preliminary injunction that prevented the language from taking effect. A spokesman for Planned Parenthood, which runs the state's only abortion clinic, said doctors will begin reciting the script to patients as early as this week.

In addition to having to view an ultrasound picture of the embryo, women seeking abortion in South Dakota will have to be told the following things no eariler than 2 hours before the procedure:

1. That the abortion will terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique,
   living human being;
2. That [the patient]has an existing relationship with that unborn human
   being and that the relationship enjoys protection under the United States
   Constitution and under the laws of South Dakota;
3. That by having an abortion, her existing relationship and her existing
   constitutional rights with regards to that relationship will be
   terminated . . .
4. That there is an increased risk of depression and suicide after abortion
   

None of these statements are unequivocally true. The fourth statement is 100% false, while the rest are, at best, matters of opinion. And notice how no such legislation exists for women who choose to give birth. Don't they need to be coerced, guilt-tripped, and lied to as well? I think so. That's why I propose the following legislation. Like South Dakota's law, this one will not be confined by things like facts or observable reality.

During every prenatal visit at a doctor's office, pregnant women must watch an episode of Supernanny. Then, they must be given the following information:

1. Many more women die from childbirth than from abortion.

2. 100% of women who have ever suffered from post-partum depression and post-partum psychosis have given birth soon before the onset of their symptoms.

3. Kids are fucking expensive.

4. Giving birth too many times can make your vagina turn inside out.

5. Giving birth causes baby unicorns to get run over by landscapers on their giant riding lawnmowers, which, in turn, causes lightning to strike one of your loved ones. The jury's still out on whether or not the lightning strikes kills that loved -- but do you really want to take that chance?!

6. If you have a kid, there's a chance a Republican president will send her or him to fight, and possibly die, in a senseless war that kills 10 times more civilians than actual enemies.

7. Hannah Montana, Flavor Flav, That's Amore, Tila Tequila, Tyra Banks, Dr. Phil, Maury, Hogan Knows Best, Rock of Love, Ron Paul. Now do you want to bring a child into this scary world? Didn't think so!

In this legislation, "vagina" is defined as "a woman's down there lady parts, or hoo-ha."

Pro-Life (il)Logic

When I first saw this picture, I was horrified. "Oh, no! Someone assassinated Barack Obama!" And then I realized what this woman is saying. This woman, who is apparently some sort of medium, is suggesting that an embryo that would have definitely become president in 2008 was aborted, and therefore, the United States of America will never have a president again! *Ominous music!* This November, as you eagerly watch the 24-hour news to find out who has won the presidential election (and whether or not your vote actually counted), the news anchor will surprise you with the following newsbreak:

"Today's presidential election took a strange and surprising turn. Just as the last exit polls were coming in, we received word that neither Barack Obama nor John McCain has won the election. In fact, nobody won the presidential election, because the next president actually never got past the embryonic stage -- he was aborted! [Of course you know that the embryo is a he, even in its asexual state.] Despite the fact that the presidential campaign has gone on for two years, we won't have a president all -- or ever!"

And this nut most likely has had this conversation with one of her kids. It's a conversation that most kids have with their parents and the one we wish Dubya had with H.W. and Barb:

Kid: Mommy, will I ever become president?
Nut: Because I love you, I'll be realistic. Probably not, sweetheart.

Because only embryos who have been electively aborted are capable of becoming president. Everybody knows that.

I have an idea for the woman in the above picture. Why doesn't she run for president? She's hanging her cap off of her belt loop, so she's obviously at least 35. And with the way this country is going, it probably doesn't even matter how old she is. I mean, if someone who is negative 8 months old could be the next president, someone as dense as this woman definitely has a shot.