EXCLUSIVE: Interview with an Embryo

Big news, people. An actual 9-week old embryo will "testify" in an Ohio court during hearings for a bill that would ban all abortions after a heartbeat can be detected.

“For the first time in a committee hearing, legislators will be able to see and hear the beating heart of a baby in the womb–just like the ones the Heartbeat Bill will protect,” said Janet (Folger) Porter, President of Faith2Action, and former Legislative Director of Ohio Right to Life, where she helped pass the nation’s first ban on Partial Birth Abortion.

Two in-utero babies will appear live before the committee by an ultrasound projector which is able to not only show that baby’s moving arms and legs, but also display–in color–the baby’s beating heart. “When passed, the Heartbeat Bill will insure that once that heartbeat is detected, the baby is protected,” added Porter.

Pretty big scoop, right? WRONG! Only I have the exclusive interview with an 8-week old embryo. And yes, I got permission from the pregnant lady that the embryo is inside of. Don't know if I can say the same for Ms. Porter.

Me: Hey, embryo. How's it going.

Embryo: Meh. Mommy threw up like 5 times today. Sometimes I understand how much physical pain I cause her, but that's my food too that she's puking.

Me: Yeah, it's hard out there for an embryo.

Embryo: You mean IN there.

Me: Sure. I wanted to ask you about this Heartbeat Bill in Ohio.

Embryo: Huh?

Me: You know, the one that could ban abortion once a heartbeat of the embryo is detected.

Embryo: Didn't hear about that one. Does it matter that the pregnant woman has a heartbeat?

Me: No, her heartbeat doesn't matter. She'd be forced to continue the pregnancy and give birth.

Embryo: It kind of seems unfair that my heartbeat counts so much more than my mother's.

Me: Tell me more.

Embryo: I mean, if the people for this Heartbeat Bill would treat my mommy like that, you know, give her no significance at all, how would they treat me once I'm born?

Me: I have some experience being outside the womb, and anti-choicers don't treat women very nicely. They call them sluts and whores and put guilt trips on them when they're raped. And they don't just hate pregnant women. They hate women who choose not to get pregnant or can't get pregnant, whether they're straight, lesbian, or transgender. What do you think about that?

Embryo: That's a terrible world. I don't know what kind of person I'd be. But it seems like I have a great chance of becoming the kind of person that these pro-lifers would care about at all. They seem to like me now, but once I'm born, they'd rather me be dead, unless I become their perfect vision of a person.

Me: Is that possible?

Embryo: My mommy's an Atheist. And my daddy's a gay sperm donor majoring in Africana Studies.

[We laugh -- hard]

Embryo: Seriously, though. I thought it was hard being an embryo. It's a lot harder to be a person, especially if you're not male, cis, Christian, heterosexual, White, able-bodied, and rich.

Me: Would you rather be aborted?

Embryo: That's all up to my intelligent, responsible, autonomous mommy.