Friday, March 11, 2011

Urge Senator Paul to Introduce the Protect Consumers from Electricity and Plumbing Act.

In a Senate meeting with the Energy Department regarding companies providing energy-efficient appliances to consumers, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) had this brilliant nugget to bestow on the congregation:

"I think there should be self-examination from the administration on the idea that you favor a woman's right to an abortion but you don't favor a woman, or a man's, right to choose what kind of light bulb, what kind of dishwasher."

Mr. Paul! I resent the fact that you believe pro-choicers like myself haven't thought about such pressing issues, like buying light bulbs and dishwashers. That's why I have proposed the following legislation that I hope Congressional Republicans will introduce very soon. Jobs can wait. Choosing appliances can have life-long ramifications. In fact, I think something like 84% of people regret purchasing energy-efficient products. because they hate saving money and the environment. I thank you in advance for your consideration in this ground-breaking, life-saving legislation.

We all know that purchasing appliances is a difficult decision. There's that hop on the freeway, walking through the parking lot, waiting for some salesperson to help you. And, of course, those salespeople are going to murder your freedoms and push some "Energy Star" product on you.

So, before someone buys an appliance, consumers must listen to a detailed description of the appliance. They must also point out all of the simple and complex machines and parts that make up the appliance. Then, they must go to a special Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and be counseled by anti-electricity counselors against buying the appliance. After that, consumers must wait at least 24 hours before purchasing the appliance. Or longer, if they need it. And if they're still convinced to buy the appliance of their choosing, they must walk through dozens of anti-electricity protesters holding signs and calling consumers murderous whores. "Use your finger nails to scrub out caked-on food, like REAL AMERICANS!!!" "Light bulbs MURDER candles!!!" Surely no one would buy an appliance after enduring all of that, but the truly terrible among us do.

But what about those appliance consumers who regret their decision to buy appliances? They can go back to the Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and get post-appliance-buying counseling for their Post-Appliance Syndrome, the terrible mental and spiritual disease caused by buying appliances. What? You've heard that Post-Appliance Syndrome doesn't exist? That's what those terrible science-y people want you to think! It's all lies. Beware of Post-Appliance Syndrome.

Prevent it with the Protect Consumers from Appliances and Plumbing Act.

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