Friday, February 27, 2009

The Funny & the Fucked Up

The Funny

Is President Obama more like Hitler or more like the rapture beast? You decide!

Gov. Bobby Jindal's rebuttal was brought to you by the letter K and the number 30, as in Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock.

The Fucked Up

A legislator in Colorado wishes HIV on babies. “What I’m hoping is that, yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that,” he said. “The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior.”

A website that sells wife beater tank tops gives discounts to customers who can prove they were convicted of domestic violence. That hurt to type. Luckily, the site has been shut down.

Rush Limbaugh Wants to Win You Back, Ladies

via La Fabuliste at the Feministing Community Blog

After learning that only 37% of women hold a favorable view of him, Rush Limbaugh wants to organize a summit to tell him what he must do to "close the gender gap" and "own the women." For starters, maybe he can stop trying to "own me." Here's how the summit went. I'd say it was an exercise in futility.

So what can Rush do to win you back, if you ever liked him in the first place? That's the new poll up there on the left. Leave any other suggestions in comments.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Joe Biden Forgets Something, Remembers It Two Seconds Later

Oh. My. God. Vice President Joe Biden couldn't remember the name of the website where we can check how the stimulus money is being spent. Then he remembered it's If I knew before the election that he was going to have such a horrible memory, I would have voted for the VP candidate who doesn't know what the VP does.

You Think Feminists Are Humorless?

The anti-feminists are way more humorless.

Jesus' General and North Dakota legislator Chuck Damschen are in a war of words over North Dakota's recent vote to give zygotes more rights than the women they're squatting in. Jesus' General is trying to organize a Billion Spermatozoan-American March to raise awareness for the rights of sperm cells. He invited Damschen to this revolutionary event, but he was turned down. Here are some highlights from the exchange, including Damschen's full response:

JG: Congratulations on the passage of your bill granting full civil-rights to zygote-Americans. It's a great start, but we both know it is only that, a start. Trillions upon trillions of our spermatazoan-American brothers continue to be murdered every hour in our nation. This tubesock holocaust must end . . . .
A law is needed to ensure that spermatazoan-Americans are cared for after their liberation. The law doesn't need to be burdensome--it should simply require men to liberate their spermatazoan-Americans into a mason jar they keep in a cool place (I use my cellar) until it can be transferred to a federally-funded Christian housing facility (built with stimulus money).
But as you know, it's very difficult to pass that kind of legislation. People just don't grasp the seriousness of the spermatazoan-Americans' plight. We need to raise public awareness, like African-Americans did in the Sixties with their March on Washington.
And that's what I'm thinking we should do--we should have a Spermatazoan-American March on Washington. But it needs to be big. It needs to be a Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington . . . .
I'd like to get together with you to plan this out in a bit more detail and, perhaps, get a little practice time in. Please let me know when you're available.

CD: When you get a chance, study up on the facts of life concerning how neither egg nor sperm develop life by themselves - the sperm has to fertilize the egg to begin the first stage of life - conception. No life has ever fully developed without first completing this stage. The body develops for approximately 9 months before leaving the womb and then develops for 9 -13 years to puberty, then continues to develop further and reaches adulthood by about the age of 18 -21 years, perhaps later in your case. If you destroy the developing body at any of these stages, development ceases and it dies. Taking the life of this developing person at its most helpless, defenseless stage of development while inside or partially inside the womb is called abortion. Now you've received more of an answer than deserved. Read it carefully several times until you grasp the understanding of how and when life begins and how and when it ends.

What a killjoy that Damschen is! Doesn't he see that Jesus' General was just trying to be funny, using the same pro-life (il)logic as Damschen? I swear. A funny feminist needs a humorless misogynist like Bill Goldberg needs a bicycle. Or something like that.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Take Action Monday on Tuesday

Urge Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to immediately call for an investigation into Israel’s use of U.S. arms in Gaza, and to stop the war on women in the Congo.

Tell the president of Utah's Senate that homophobia, not LGBTQs, is the real threat.

Demand an investigation of Sheriff Joe Arpaio's unlawful behavior.

Tell President Obama not to send more troops to Afghanistan.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The GOP is SO Inclusive . . .

How inclusive are they?

They're so inclusive that they'll even pander to "one-armed midgets," who are apparently at the bottom rung of the social ladder in the GOP's view. It's "little people," Steele. Little people.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

So Not Funny, Sean Delonas!

I'm a day late on this, but better late than never, right?

The New York Post printed this cartoon a couple of days ago, opposite a picture of President Obama signing the stimulus bill. Gee, real subtle, Murdoch. 

This cartoon is totally racist and is part of the history of many totally racist political cartoons depicting African Americans as apes or monkeys. But I can hear you now asking this very important question:

How is that cartoon racist when this image isn't?

And there's many more where that came from. The answer is simple. First of all, such images comparing the former president with a chimpanzee is meant to insult Bush's intelligence. It's probably more insulting to chimps than it is to Bush. Poking fun at Bush's intelligence is fair game, as intelligence has something to do with running the country. Sean Delonas' recent political cartoon is racist because of it's historical context. The image of apes and monkeys has been used in political cartoons and other media to characterize African Americans and immigrant populations for centuries as not human, biologically inferior, and a lower form of life. 

The organization Color of Change is calling for a public apology and the firing of Sean Delonas, who has a long history of creating offensive political cartoons.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Someone Needs a Visit from Guerrilla Girls on Tour!

And I think it's Bill Goldberg! He said this on The Falafel Factor the other night (I don't know when, because I can't stomach that bullshit on a regular basis. Gives me diarrhea).

A man needs a humorless feminist like a fish needs a bicycle.

Humorless?! Moi?! No way! He needs a lesson from Guerrilla Girls on Tour's wonderful play Feminists Are Funny. It'll teach him that feminists can kick some ass while wearing monkey masks, and maybe he'll learn a few jokes too. He could obviously use some.

Important Question, The Today Show!

The Today Show is apparently enamored with this story of Drew Peterson, a man who is suspected of killing one of his wives, and his 24-year-old soon-to-be 5th wife. And because Drew Peterson has been married four times, The Today show asked this very important question:

Why do women fall for Drew Peterson?

I know, right? If five women have been attracted to this guy, then of course women in general fall for him. I have a better and equally ridiculous question. Why do men named Peterson kill their wives? First there's Scott Peterson, and now there's Drew Peterson. That's a pattern.

Take Action Monday

Yeah for a day off!

Tell the EPA to stop the cement industry from contributing to mercury pollution.

Urge President Obama to choose a progressive Department of Health secretary.

Demand accountability for the Bush administration's war crimes.

Tell your Senators to confirm Hilda Solis for Labor secretary.

Include a family planning provision in the next health care legislation.

Tell the EPA to crack down on pesticide abusers.

Urge the special envoy to rebuild Gaza.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I Know Your Secret, Arby's

via Feministing

In this ad, Arby's is prepping us for a big surprise about their fast food. Because I'm so special, I already know what it is. The secret is . . .

Arby's genetically modified buns have nipples!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Take Action Monday

Urge Congress to get valuable stem cell research moving forward.

Tell Congress that there is no such thing as clean coal.

Thank President Obama for taking action in closing Guantanamo and banning torture.

Help confirm Rep. Hilda Solis as Secretary of Labor.

Urge the Iranian government to keep Shirin Ebadi and Jinous Sobhani safe. 

Tell the Boy Scouts to stop destroying forests.

Demand a full investigation into the supposed suicide of Billey Joe Johnson.

Urge Congress to cap Wall Street greed.

Tell President Obama to appoint someone to be in charge of Sudan policy.

Request that the Department of Justice investigate Sheriff Joe Arpaio's abuses.

Thank President Obama for overturning the Global Gag Rule.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Some Pretty White Black Folks

Jesse Lee Peterson is a crazy man. And not crazy like a fox. Crazy like a certifiable crazy person. He said some crazy shit on FOX News, and even Hannity didn't know what to do with him.

Most Black Americans, 96% of them are racists who (unintelligible) White Americans.

So it's good to see that Peterson got an A in Pulling Numbers Out of Your Ass from the Dov Charney School of Statistical Excellence. It's clear that this dude is great at math. But how is he at forming a cogent argument?

Ninety-six percent of Black Americans voted for this man because he's a far left socialist liberal, and he's a Democrat. Had he been a Black Republican conservative, they would not have voted for him.

I think what he meant to say was that, because 96% of Black people are racist, they would have voted for the Black conservative solely based on skin color instead of policy. Instead, he said the exact opposite, and nobody seemed to notice. But there's more.

If you want to know what Socialism looks like, look at the Black community. Out-of-wedlock birth, crime out of control, a dependency on government.

Well, he is right about that. I mean . . . .

Ken Lay, former CEO of Enron

Jeff Skilling, former CEO of Enron

CEOs of the Big Three automakers

Those shiftless negroes!

Ex-Masturbator, Current Bullshitter

Imagine this being your first modeling gig?

via Feministe

Have you ever wanted your most personal sexual activities to be captured on a T-shirt? And do you want to wear a different colored one every day? Well, consider this the day your life begins anew. Because Passion For Christ has come out with T-shirts emblazoned with the word "Ex-Masturbator." So now you can tell everyone that you used to masturbate but now you don't -- and show them your completely hairless palms as proof.

I can't tell you for sure what this organization even is, but I can guess. Passion For Christ seems to be some sort of evangelical club for teens of color. I have a feeling that nobody who has even seen Black person proofread this pile of garbage they call a campaign website. "Hit up their new article"? "Check out ya girl"? Who says these things? Or, it could be a total joke. I'm sure people have e-mailed Passion For Christ asking them if this is supposed to be funny, but the answer hasn't made it to their FAQs. Take a look at -- I mean, hit up -- this video and tell me that these people are serious.

It's long, but it's totally worth it. I LOLed a million times.

Even More Comments from Blogs Gone By

I am still getting comments from people about a post I wrote nearly two years ago on the old blog about an episode of America's Next Top Model that I found offensive. I have no idea why people are still talking about it. I know I'm not. But some people must be stuck in March of 2007. We should feel sorry for them. Here are a couple of unmoderated comments that will stay that way forever, because I haven't updated that blog since July.

This is a fashion photoshoot, it's art. Stop taking it so seriously. If any young people decided that violence is sexy and desirable from these photographs then they have some serious issues, or are complete idiots. Relax and get over it.

This person is replying to a post from two years ago! Who needs to get over what now?

You've obviously NEVER heard of DARK ART! If you had it your way all the photo shoots would be plain and boring like a flock of sheep, and if a black one came along you'd shoot it. If you hate it that much DON'T WATCH THE SHOW!

This person is THANKFUL that analogies were taken off the SAT. Besides, I find sheep to be very exciting, especially the black ones, especially in flock form. And to clear up any suspicions, I don't watch America's Next Top Model. Tyra : Dolphins :: Emily : Tyra. Now there's an analogy.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Mini Rant: Sit on the Damn Seat!

I don't bite.

Britney Spears was right when she said there are two types of people in the world. There are those who sit on the toilet seats in public restrooms and those who don't. I'm a proud member of the former group. I wipe down the seat, or I lay down some toilet paper and sit. It's totally sanitary, and I don't get pee on the seat. And since I don't get pee on the seat, the next person doesn't have to worry about sitting in pee. The only people who have to worry about sitting in pee are the people who need to use the toilet after a person who's so afraid of peeing on the seat that they squat over the seat and pee all over it. Pee or diarrhea, as the case may be, which it was today, unfortunately for me. Seriously, people. Nobody wants to walk into the only empty stall and find poop splashed all over the back of the seat. I'm no stranger to dropping a deuce in a public restroom. I don't care if I make a stink, because if there's one thing I learned from the book Everybody Poops, it's that everybody poops. And I don't care if anybody else takes a dump in a public toilet, just as long as it all makes it in. So sit on the seat, do your business, and flush. I don't need to see what you did before you got there . . . or what you had for breakfast.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Take Action Monday

Tell your Senators that helping national parks helps the economy.

Demand an investigation of possible human rights violations in Gaza and Israel.

Tell Obama to expand family planning services to low income women.

Hold Bush accountable for war crimes.

Pledge to support safe homes for the world's orphans.

Ask Prime Minister Gordon Brown to include a representative from the African Union at the G20 summit.

Support the Paycheck Fairness Act.

Tell your Senators to vote Yes on the stimulus package and No on any amendments that could hurt women.

Demand the prosecutions of all police officers involved in Oscar Grant's death.