Thursday, March 31, 2011

So Not Funny, George Lopez!

I get most of my feminist news from the mainstream feminist blogosphere, which likes to throw its trans news of the day in a little daily wrap-up, if at all. So I sincerely apologize for neglecting to get my feminist news from a place that's friendly to issues facing trans people. I will do better from now on. Being out of the loop in that regard is much worse than being out of the loop when it comes to Dancing with the Stars and Lopez Tonight. George Lopez is a guy that I never found funny. He probably doesn't think he's that funny either, since he tells transphobic jokes, the final resort in getting a cheap laugh. Last week, after the premiere of DWTS, he unleashed his fat hate and transmisogyny with this sorry excuse for a joke:

(At about 1:20) Finally my favorite male and female dancer of the season. Up first the male (he shows a clip of Wendy Williams' performance). It wasn't really her dancing that caught my attention, check this out. (he shows a clip of Wendy crying during dance practice). The last time she cried that hard was when she was on Maury and she heard Wendy Williams you are the father.

And then he called Kirstie Alley a pig, but he spared her her gender identity. George Lopez: A real revolutionary.

Alright, first of all, Wendy Williams is the bomb, okay? She's a Jersey girl, and she's really successful. She seems like a down-to-Earth woman, and she's one of three people I sort of pseudo-stalk when I hang out in Montclair (the other two are Stephen Colbert and baseball legend Yogi Berra). Most importantly, this "joke" doesn't hurt Wendy as much as it hurts trans women, particularly trans women of color, which make up about 100% of the trans people who are murdered each year. People have to learn that insulting someone by calling them trans isn't funny and leads to violence. It's a way of delegitimizing someone's being. And it needs to end like forever ago.

Not that you ever were funny to begin with. But, George Lopez, this is so not funny!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

How Exactly Does God Punish a "Fag Enabler?"

That's "Your Majesty Fag Enabler" to you, Westboro Baptist Church.

Elizabeth Taylor died yesterday of congestive heart failure. She is, of course, most well-known for her acting career and for being an anti-AIDS activist. But seriously, who's against AIDS? The Westboro Baptist Church! So they're planning on protesting Ms. Taylor's funeral. They're famous for being utterly insane and protesting outside of the funerals of fallen soldiers, claiming that those deaths are God's punishment for America's tolerance of gay people. What tolerance? Exactly. Clearly, Westboro Baptist Church believes that Elizabeth Taylor has been punished by God for supporting anti-AIDS initiatives. How so? Let me list the ways:

1. A successful acting career spanning 7 decades.

2. Five Academy Award nominations and 2 Best Actress Oscars.

3. The most beautiful violet eyes that anyone has ever or would ever see.

4. Four children, 10 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren.

5. Legions of devoted fans that loved her until her death at age 79.

6. Seventy-nine years of living!

Yes, you'd think if God hated her so much for funding AIDS research, he would've snuffed her out a long time ago. But no. 79 years. Millions of dollars. Big family. 2 Oscars. Beauty. When will God punish ME???

Friday, March 11, 2011

Urge Senator Paul to Introduce the Protect Consumers from Electricity and Plumbing Act.

In a Senate meeting with the Energy Department regarding companies providing energy-efficient appliances to consumers, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) had this brilliant nugget to bestow on the congregation:

"I think there should be self-examination from the administration on the idea that you favor a woman's right to an abortion but you don't favor a woman, or a man's, right to choose what kind of light bulb, what kind of dishwasher."

Mr. Paul! I resent the fact that you believe pro-choicers like myself haven't thought about such pressing issues, like buying light bulbs and dishwashers. That's why I have proposed the following legislation that I hope Congressional Republicans will introduce very soon. Jobs can wait. Choosing appliances can have life-long ramifications. In fact, I think something like 84% of people regret purchasing energy-efficient products. because they hate saving money and the environment. I thank you in advance for your consideration in this ground-breaking, life-saving legislation.

We all know that purchasing appliances is a difficult decision. There's that hop on the freeway, walking through the parking lot, waiting for some salesperson to help you. And, of course, those salespeople are going to murder your freedoms and push some "Energy Star" product on you.

So, before someone buys an appliance, consumers must listen to a detailed description of the appliance. They must also point out all of the simple and complex machines and parts that make up the appliance. Then, they must go to a special Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and be counseled by anti-electricity counselors against buying the appliance. After that, consumers must wait at least 24 hours before purchasing the appliance. Or longer, if they need it. And if they're still convinced to buy the appliance of their choosing, they must walk through dozens of anti-electricity protesters holding signs and calling consumers murderous whores. "Use your finger nails to scrub out caked-on food, like REAL AMERICANS!!!" "Light bulbs MURDER candles!!!" Surely no one would buy an appliance after enduring all of that, but the truly terrible among us do.

But what about those appliance consumers who regret their decision to buy appliances? They can go back to the Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and get post-appliance-buying counseling for their Post-Appliance Syndrome, the terrible mental and spiritual disease caused by buying appliances. What? You've heard that Post-Appliance Syndrome doesn't exist? That's what those terrible science-y people want you to think! It's all lies. Beware of Post-Appliance Syndrome.

Prevent it with the Protect Consumers from Appliances and Plumbing Act.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

EXCLUSIVE: Interview with an Embryo

Big news, people. An actual 9-week old embryo will "testify" in an Ohio court during hearings for a bill that would ban all abortions after a heartbeat can be detected.

“For the first time in a committee hearing, legislators will be able to see and hear the beating heart of a baby in the womb–just like the ones the Heartbeat Bill will protect,” said Janet (Folger) Porter, President of Faith2Action, and former Legislative Director of Ohio Right to Life, where she helped pass the nation’s first ban on Partial Birth Abortion.

Two in-utero babies will appear live before the committee by an ultrasound projector which is able to not only show that baby’s moving arms and legs, but also display–in color–the baby’s beating heart. “When passed, the Heartbeat Bill will insure that once that heartbeat is detected, the baby is protected,” added Porter.

Pretty big scoop, right? WRONG! Only I have the exclusive interview with an 8-week old embryo. And yes, I got permission from the pregnant lady that the embryo is inside of. Don't know if I can say the same for Ms. Porter.

Me: Hey, embryo. How's it going.
Embryo: Meh. Mommy threw up like 5 times today. Sometimes I understand how much physical pain I cause her, but that's my food too that she's puking.
Me: Yeah, it's hard out there for an embryo.
Embryo: You mean IN there.
Me: Sure. I wanted to ask you about this Heartbeat Bill in Ohio.
Embryo: Huh?
Me: You know, the one that could ban abortion once a heartbeat of the embryo is detected.
Embryo: Didn't hear about that one. Does it matter that the pregnant woman has a heartbeat?
Me: No, her heartbeat doesn't matter. She'd be forced to continue the pregnancy and give birth.
Embryo: It kind of seems unfair that my heartbeat counts so much more than my mother's.
Me: Tell me more.
Embryo: I mean, if the people for this Heartbeat Bill would treat my mommy like that, you know, give her no significance at all, how would they treat me once I'm born?
Me: I have some experience being outside the womb, and anti-choicers don't treat women very nicely. They call them sluts and whores and put guilt trips on them when they're raped. And they don't just hate pregnant women. They hate women who choose not to get pregnant or can't get pregnant, whether they're straight, lesbian, or transgender. What do you think about that?
Embryo: That's a terrible world. I don't know what kind of person I'd be. But it seems like I have a great chance of becoming the kind of person that these pro-lifers would care about at all. They seem to like me now, but once I'm born, they'd rather me be dead, unless I become their perfect vision of a person.
Me: Is that possible?
Embryo: My mommy's an Atheist. And my daddy's a gay sperm donor majoring in Africana Studies.
[We laugh -- hard]
Embryo: Seriously, though. I thought it was hard being an embryo. It's a lot harder to be a person, especially if you're not male, cis, Christian, heterosexual, White, able-bodied, and rich.
Me: Would you rather be aborted?
Embryo: That's all up to my intelligent, responsible, autonomous mommy.