In Defense of Jon Kyl

The big news this past weekend was the looming government shutdown that never was. While defending these riders, which were basically ideologically driven strips of funding for seriously controversial things like school lunch and NPR*, Jon Kyl proclaimed that more than 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.

Everybody goes to clinics, to doctors, to hospitals, so on. Some people go to Planned Parenthood. But you don't have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked**. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does.

Except not. If I wanted an abortion and walked into any of the 6 Planned Parenthoods in my area, they'd send me somewhere else. Which is why I personally wouldn't go to Planned Parenthood for an abortion. See, well over 90% -- a full 97% -- of what Planned Parenthood does is not abortion-related. Abortion accounts for 3%. Jon Kyl explained that his statements were "not meant to be factual."

I don't think Jon Kyl has to explain himself at all. It's SO HARD to find information in this information age of ours. I mean, how many spare seconds do you think Senator Kyl has to do the following:

1. Google "Planned Parenthood."

2. Click on the first link.

3. Click the "About Us" drop-down menu.

4. Click "Annual Report."

5. Click on the picture in the middle of the page.

6. Scroll down to page 6.

7. Admire the colorful pie chart showing the percentage of services that Planned Parenthood provides.

That was a workout. Cancel your gym memberships, people! Looking for facts is seriously sweat-inducing exercise.

* This is a list of the riders in lay terms and in an easy-to-read chart. Here is the full H.R. 1 bill.

** Unless you're poor and have no health insurance. It's a good thing Planned Parenthood provides these services.

How Exactly Does God Punish a "Fag Enabler?"

That's "Your Majesty Fag Enabler" to you, Westboro Baptist Church.

Elizabeth Taylor died yesterday of congestive heart failure. She is, of course, most well-known for her acting career and for being an anti-AIDS activist. But seriously, who's against AIDS? The Westboro Baptist Church! So they're planning on protesting Ms. Taylor's funeral. They're famous for being utterly insane and protesting outside of the funerals of fallen soldiers, claiming that those deaths are God's punishment for America's tolerance of gay people. What tolerance? Exactly. Clearly, Westboro Baptist Church believes that Elizabeth Taylor has been punished by God for supporting anti-AIDS initiatives. How so? Let me list the ways:

1. A successful acting career spanning 7 decades.

2. Five Academy Award nominations and 2 Best Actress Oscars.

3. The most beautiful violet eyes that anyone has ever or would ever see.

4. Four children, 10 grandchildren, and 4 great-grandchildren.

5. Legions of devoted fans that loved her until her death at age 79.

6. Seventy-nine years of living!

Yes, you'd think if God hated her so much for funding AIDS research, he would've snuffed her out a long time ago. But no. 79 years. Millions of dollars. Big family. 2 Oscars. Beauty. When will God punish ME???

Urge Senator Paul to Introduce the Protect Consumers from Electricity and Plumbing Act.

In a Senate meeting with the Energy Department regarding companies providing energy-efficient appliances to consumers, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) had this brilliant nugget to bestow on the congregation:

"I think there should be self-examination from the administration on the idea that you favor a woman's right to an abortion but you don't favor a woman, or a man's, right to choose what kind of light bulb, what kind of dishwasher."

Mr. Paul! I resent the fact that you believe pro-choicers like myself haven't thought about such pressing issues, like buying light bulbs and dishwashers. That's why I have proposed the following legislation that I hope Congressional Republicans will introduce very soon. Jobs can wait. Choosing appliances can have life-long ramifications. In fact, I think something like 84% of people regret purchasing energy-efficient products. because they hate saving money and the environment. I thank you in advance for your consideration in this ground-breaking, life-saving legislation.

We all know that purchasing appliances is a difficult decision. There's that hop on the freeway, walking through the parking lot, waiting for some salesperson to help you. And, of course, those salespeople are going to murder your freedoms and push some "Energy Star" product on you.

So, before someone buys an appliance, consumers must listen to a detailed description of the appliance. They must also point out all of the simple and complex machines and parts that make up the appliance. Then, they must go to a special Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and be counseled by anti-electricity counselors against buying the appliance. After that, consumers must wait at least 24 hours before purchasing the appliance. Or longer, if they need it. And if they're still convinced to buy the appliance of their choosing, they must walk through dozens of anti-electricity protesters holding signs and calling consumers murderous whores. "Use your finger nails to scrub out caked-on food, like REAL AMERICANS!!!" "Light bulbs MURDER candles!!!" Surely no one would buy an appliance after enduring all of that, but the truly terrible among us do.

But what about those appliance consumers who regret their decision to buy appliances? They can go back to the Crisis Electricity and Plumbing Center and get post-appliance-buying counseling for their Post-Appliance Syndrome, the terrible mental and spiritual disease caused by buying appliances. What? You've heard that Post-Appliance Syndrome doesn't exist? That's what those terrible science-y people want you to think! It's all lies. Beware of Post-Appliance Syndrome.

Prevent it with the Protect Consumers from Appliances and Plumbing Act.

Michelle Malkin Warns of Retaliation by Bow and Arrow Wielding Liberals

This morning in Tucson, Arizona, Democratic United States Representative Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head from point blank range at an outdoor town hall type of event in her district. Early reports stated that she was murdered, but thankfully, she is recovering from emergency surgery. However, Federal Judge John Roll, a 9-year-old girl, and 4 other people were shot to death (click here for news results). Representative Giffords was one of 20 Congresspeople targeted with crosshairs on this infamous map from SarahPAC, Sarah Palin's political action committee, in response to their votes to support healthcare reform.



A day or two after Ms. Palin posted that image on her Facebook page, Rep. Giffords' office was vandalized. She talked about the crosshairs placed on her district in light of the vandalism:

We really need to realize, the rhetoric and firing people up, and even things, for example, we're on Sarah Palin's 'targeted list.' But the thing is, the way she has it depicted has the crosshairs of a gunsight over our district. And when people do that, they've got to realize there's consequences to that action.

It's really a sad day for Tucson, Arizona, and the United States. In attempt to make us all laugh in light of this tragedy, right wing media darling Michelle Malkin tried to point the finger at liberals for being equally violent, or at least violent-minded. Her first example: Comments made by a regular person who blogs on Daily Kos. She posted a screen shot of a post entitled My CongressWOMAN Voted Against Nancy Pelosi! And is Now DEAD to Me!, which is a rant against the Congresswoman by someone who raised money and donated to her campaign and was disappointed by her decision not to vote for Pelosi for Minority Leader. That user has since deleted the post and stated the following:

i now am FULL of guilt after writing this diary.

I kind of feel bad that this person feels guilty about what they said, especially when this person isn't and never was an elected official, prevalent voice in any national political movement, or potential presidential candidate. But even they can own up to something unsavory that they said about a Congresswoman. Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas used the term "bulls eye" in the following quote in a post he authored over 2 years ago about FISA (and as we know, nobody vandalized Rep. Giffords' office -- or anyone else's -- within 48 hours -- or 30 months -- of that vote):

Not all of these people will get or even deserve primaries, but this vote certainly puts a bulls eye on their district. If we can field enough serious challengers, and if we repeat the Donna Edwards and Joe Lieberman stories a few more times, well then, our elected officials might have no choice but to be more responsive. Because if we show them that their AT&T lobbyist buddies can't save their jobs, they'll pay more attention to those who can.

Any reasonable individual reading this quote wouldn't seriously believe that Mr. Moulitsas is suggesting that Rep. Giffords, or the other 100+ Democrats on that list, be targeted for violence. He's talking about voting lukewarm Democrats out of office, and specifically states that he doesn't support saving their JOBS, whereas the crosshairs picture makes no mention of voting people out, and depicts blood red crosshairs to symbolize Representatives whose political careers are over (you might say "dead").

Lastly, Ms. Malkin compares the crosshairs image to one used by the Democratic Leadership Council in 2004.

And, with my powerful ability to remember the past 6 years, not a single conservative elected government official from any of those states was a target of violence by radicals, liberal or otherwise. Furthermore, nobody was mentioned by name in that map, unlike in Sarah Palin's crosshairs map. However, Michelle Malkin believes that those targets somehow advocated or still advocate violence against conservative office holders in America, even though Barack Obama won 7 out of 9 of those states in 2008 (without a single progressive shooting a single congressperson! We're either really great terrorists, or the threat doesn't exist).

I find such comparisons to be disingenuous and hilariously absurd. The target used in the DLC map is one that people shoot arrows at. Crosshairs aren't targets. Crosshairs are used to get a kill shot on a specific target. What does Malkin think? Bow and arrow toting progressives are going to shoot conservatives? We're going to advocate a constitutional amendment to our right to bear bows and arrows? Are we going to petition governments to open carry our bows and arrows at political events? Are we going to support measures that allow us to carry a concealed bow and arrow without a permit (Good luck with that, liberals! Bows and arrows are bulky!)? Why does she think the Native Americans lost? Because bows and arrows are no match for guns!

Age-Appropriate Sex Ed: A Comparison

Remember this advertisement during the presidential campaign in 2008? John McCain attacked Barack Obama's stance on age-appropriate sex education for all children, including Kindergartners.



Basically, Barack Obama supports age-appropriate sex-ed. In Kindergarten, that's teaching young children "good touch/bad touch" and ways that kids can protect themselves from pedophiles, like not talking to strangers, not going into a car of anyone they don't know, and telling a trusted adult if they've been touched inappropriately. It turned out that the bill wasn't even passed during Obama's time in the Illinois State Senate, and he wasn't even a co-sponsor, so it blew over and Barack Obama won the election.

Let's fast forward to 2011. Kind of a lot has changed in less than 3 years, but there haven't been such radical changes taking place from where conservatives have kittens over someone somewhere suggesting that 5-year-olds know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching to where talking to those same kids about abortion is a-OK. But apparently it has, in this second wind of hippie free love, I guess.

Congressman Steve King (R-IA) admitted that he talks to children of all grade levels, including Kindergartners, about abortion. He said:

I often go into a high school auditorium or meet with people at even the K-through-12 level in their entirety, and I will tell them: “You will be asked to answer one of the most profound moral questions of our age and that is where do you stand on the abortion issue. And you need to only ask and answer two questions. The first question is do you believe that human life is sacred in all of its forms. Is the person sitting to your left and to your right and everyone in this room, is their life sacred?” And they’ll nod their heads.

Yes, which would mean they're pro-choice. Anti-choicers certainly don't see the life of the pregnant woman as sacred, since they see her death in childbirth or suicide as no great loss to humanity. Needless to say, that's not age-appropriate. It's also a stupid argument to make, and it's why I hate it when men and self-righteous teens are asked about this very profound moral question. Men in particular can have a really nice philosophical debate about abortion, because they don't experience abortion in the slightest, and they never will. Men might like to think that they experience it in the same way that women do, but that's because they're really stupid assholes who believe their superior man-brains and powerful imaginations can make them feel that way. The point is, the only person who can answer that question honestly is the woman experiencing the pregnancy and making the decision herself. It's really easy to say "I believe all life is sacred," or even, "Abortion is a morally acceptable decision all the time," and all of that philosophy flies out the window once she sees a plus sign on the pregnancy test. Oops. So to even pose that question to students who are too young to experience pregnancy or make a moral judgment is totally age-inappropriate and a bit brain-washy.

Spanky Would Have Called It the "She-Male Palin-Hating Club"

Some pastor from Florida named Doug Giles made a video stating why it is feminists don't like Sarah Palin. It's not because she wants government to be about as big as the distance between one's ovaries and vaginal opening. And it's not because she is as dumb as a pair of dookie stained granny panties. It's because we're all a bunch of "she-males" who are jealous of her looks. In case you haven't heard that before, I've posted the video. Additionally, I will henceforth be referring to Pastor Giles as Spanky, because he is a childish little rascal. Seriously, Spanky. I'd like to welcome you to the year 2010. Feminists have been hearing this bullshit since before Sarah Palin's father shot her out of his nutsack.



And because I like correcting people so much, I'd like to let Spanky know that Sarah Palin did consider having an abortion when she was pregnant with Trig. Luckily, she lives in a country where she had the choice to have all 5 of her children, instead of being forced into motherhood by a so-called small government. Spanky chooses to believe the lie, or else she wouldn't be his proper definition of a woman. And that would make his ass hurt.

And lastly but not leastly, this video is filled with disgusting transphobic hate speech. Simple proof that trans people are always seen as a simple scapegoat for assholes. If Spanky was truly confident in his beliefs, he wouldn't be threatened by metrosexuals or Chaz Bono or trans women or anybody else who doesn't fit the strict gender binary that he worships every day. It's old fucking news, and I believe, as a wise young woman once said, has been around since way before Sarah Palin's father shot her out of his nutsack. I have a feeling this man sleeps with one eye open and both hands holding his dick for dear life. It's pitiful.

My Favorite Thing That I Missed

I missed blogging about the midterm elections, which means I missed so much: Sharon Angle, Christine O'Donnell, Marco Rubio, Carl Paladino, and the other right-wing nutjobs who ran for election in 2010. But my favorite part of the midterms was this ad from SarahPAC, Sarah Palin's political action committee that supports ultra conservative candidates (read: right-wing nutjobs). It's not so much a commercial for Sarah Palin's buddies as it is a look inside what Sarah Palin sees when she's tripping on X. While watching it, see if you can count to two Mississippis before another image pops onto the screen. It's a fun game.

Random Thought About "Ground Zero" Mosque

I haven't updated in a while. And when I go a while without updating you should be worried, because that means I've been thinking a lot. For the past week or so, I've been thinking about the community center and Mosque being built in lower Manhattan. I've tweeted about it a lot, and if you follow my tweets, you know that I support their right to build the community center and Mosque there. I haven't even thought about "should they build there," because it doesn't make any difference to me. I think the most important thing is for the United States to uphold the Constitution and everyone's rights to freedom of religion and freedom to own property.

But a lot of people don't see it that way. Most people do support the right of the Mosque to be built, but most people don't think it should be built there. People have called the abandoned Burlington Coat Factory that was bought by Imam Rauf to build this community center "hallowed ground." I love a bargain as much as the next person, but "hallowed ground?" This building is two blocks away from Ground Zero, it's been abandoned for 8 years, and it's about time that area of the city be rebuilt to foster a feeling of community and at least try to bring it back to the bustling neighborhood it was before September 11, 2001. People like Newt Gingrich and other opposers of the Mosque are comparing Muslims to Nazis. Muslims all over the country who wish to build Mosques and Muslim prayer centers are being denied permits, as local governments are wiping their assess with the Constitution in order to please some racist jerks. And all of these thoughts naturally lead me to wonder this:

Did Glenn Beck face this much red tape from the government when he was planning his demonstration at the site of Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech this Saturday? Oh yeah. None. None at all. In fact, this was something he's been talking about for a year.

Think about it. Protesters of the Mosque in lower Manhattan are saying that because the 9/11 hijackers were Muslim, Muslims building on private property there would be in poor taste and would be a slap in the face to everyone who lost loved ones on September 11. Let's apply this logic be applied to Glenn Beck's demonstration. After all, a White person murdered Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Therefore, White people shouldn't be allowed to demonstrate on the site where he gave his "I Have a Dream" speech. It's sacred ground for African Americans who fought and died for equal rights. If you think I'm going too far with this, please read on.

One of the other major objections to a Muslim community and prayer center being built two blocks from Ground Zero is that this 13-story building is a symbol of Muslim's desire to convert everybody and change their most cherished beliefs and values. Fancy this quote.

This is going to be an image for the history books. If you come, I believe this may -- maybe in 100 years from now or 200 years from now -- I believe this will be remembered as a moment America turned the corner.

This is going to be an iconic event . . . This is a moment quite honestly, that I think we will reclaim the civil rights movement. It has been so distorted and so turned upside down. It's an abomination . . . We will take that movement because we were the people that did it in the first place.

Gee, who said that? Imam Rauf? No. It was Glenn Beck. It looks like Glenn Beck is the one who is trying to change history and our value system. Projection much?

A Day at Glenn Beck Elementary

By now, you have probably heard that Glenn Beck has started his own online university. Its motto is Faith, Hope, and Charity. Incidentally, a Sunday school teacher of mine from back in the day had a daughter with that very name. Isn't that nutty? Speaking of nutty, Glenn Beck has created an online university! It's not a real university where students earn credits, because college educations are for Communists and are at least the second most dangerous thing in America. Instead, it's just videos of three guys telling paid customers, called Insider Extremists, what hope, faith and charity are. Yes, three classes each on hope, faith, and charity. It should surprise no one that Glenn Beck thinks he has something to teach people who are old enough to use a credit card, because he's an egomaniac. In the interest of learning how to crawl before learning to walk, I think he should have created an elementary school first, because I don't think he's ready for higher learning. I wonder what a day at Glenn Beck Elementary would be like . . . .

In Language Arts, children would learn about such anti-Communist literary heroes as The Little Red Hen. You know her, right? She's the one who asked for help baking bread, and no one helped her. At the end of the story, she asks if anyone wants to help her eat the bread, and they all say "I do!" Then, she tells them all to go fuck themselves. The lesson is, they didn't help her make the bread, so they don't get to eat any of it. It's an important value to teach 6-year-olds to stop freeloading off of their parents and learn to use the stove themselves.

Then, it's time for Math. At Glenn Beck Elementary, being able to use numbers in one's daily life is very important. Students will be able to calculate how many illegal immigrants live in their neighborhoods, how many White babies they'll need to have to forestall brown folks becoming the majority, and how many webs of conspiracy theories one can make with a single box of chalk.

Only because this fascist state demands it, all of the students have to take Health. In an attempt to stick it to The Man, Glenn Beck Elementary school teachers tell kids the truth about nutrition. For example, the secret about candy is that it's really good for you. Dentists just say that sugar candy rots your teeth, because they want to keep all the candy for themselves. And people who exercise are the ones to blame for our nation's sky-rocketing healthcare costs, what with all their sport-related injuries. Oh, wait. That was Rush. Either way, no recess at Glenn Beck Elementary!

After Health comes Science, where students learn to separate fact from fiction. Evolution? Just a theory! Gravity? Just a theory! Climate change? Fascism! Thunder? Angels bowling!

The day is almost over, and now it's time for History. At Glenn Beck Elementary, students will learn about all of the great Americans that helped shape this country. There was civil rights hero Martin Luther King, Jr. He was kind of like Glenn Beck. And radical political thinker Thomas Paine. He was kind of like Glenn Beck too (Really? Whatever you say.). And one of our greatest founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin. That guy was a lot like Glenn Beck. And Revolutionary War hero Paul Revere. Just like Glenn Beck.

But really. Any old school teaches history. What makes Glenn Beck Elementary so great is that the kids in that school learn Future. In Future class, students will learn how Glenn Beck will reclaim the civil rights movement for White folks. Glenn Beck Elementary students will also be challenged to imagine what America will look like this Christmas, and next Christmas. And your children will surely get an A+ in Future, because name one damn thing that Glenn Beck has said that hasn't happened!

No, Walter, You Did Women a Favor

It's pretty clear that to fill in for Rush Limbaugh, you have to be more utterly insane and just plain stupider than he is. That way, all of us liberal cry babies can be thankful when he comes back to just sprinkle discriminatory language throughout his broadcasts instead of slabbing it on pretty thickly like this fool. I'm honestly surprised when people say such ridiculousness. I don't care to research this guy's credentials, but people who host radio shows tend to be formally educated with college degrees and life experience. And then I remember that right-wing nut jobs on the radio aren't stupid. They just know that their audience is stupid and play on that. Right wing nut jobs on the radio don't care about delivering news, insight, or analysis. Their purpose in life is to make idiots feel smart (and vote). In the above clip, Walter E. Williams compares systemic discrimination to seeking a potential spouse.

Back in 1960, when I was choosing a marriage partner, I systematically discriminated against White women. I didn't give Asian women an equal chance to marry me. I didn't give women with criminal records or women that did not bathe regularly. I did not give them an equal opportunity to marry me. Now you might be saying, "That type of discrimination doesn't hurt anybody." Well, if you said that, I would be insulted, because when I chose to marry my wife, I harmed other women. I reduced their opportunity set. So I did harm other people.

If your point of view only works with an analogy that proves you're an arrogant asshole, then you have no point. You see, Mr. Williams getting off the market in 1960 didn't harm anyone (except maybe his wife). It didn't reduce other women's pool of possible husbands. With Mr. Williams out of the way, straight women were more likely to find a husband that, you know, didn't believe in controlling them and making their kids work instead of go to school. Seriously, he said all that nonsense in the same show.

Now do us another solid and stop talking.

So Not Funny, Representative Jenkins!

Representative Lynn "Great White Hope" Jenkins (R-Kansas) laughed at a single mother at a town hall meeting about healthcare a few weeks ago. Here's how the conversation went:

Constituent: I’m a 27 year-old single mother. I work full-time. I do not have health insurance. My employer does not provide health insurance to me and I cannot afford it privately. So my question is, why shouldn’t my government guarantee all of its citizens health care?

Rep. Jenkins: Thank you. I’m sorry, maybe you missed my opening remarks, but absolutely. That’s why we have Medicaid in the current system and that’s why under the alternative proposal we have an option for low-to-modest-income people to be able to afford health care and then we’ve got the SCHIP program for children. So I think we’ve got all of the bases covered.

No, we don't. If this constituent and her child were eligible for Medicaid and SCHIP, they'd be on it. How patronizing of Representative Jenkins to dismiss this woman's concerns for her and her family's healthcare access. This is a reality for millions of Americans. Audience members informed Representative Jenkins that not everyone is covered under these programs, and the conversation continued.

Representative Jenkins: OK, if you’re not then you’re the perfect example for why we've got to have reform and why we've got to do it now but we have to do it right and if we can do an alternative proposal, as I’m suggesting, give you the money to go buy it in a reformed marketplace where it is affordable, that’s my preference rather than to saddle the nation with yet another government program when they can’t afford the government run programs we have.

Constituent: I want an option that I can pay for. I work. I pay my bills. I’m not a burden on the state. I pay my taxes. So why can’t I get an affordable option. Why are you against that?

Representative Jenkins: A government run program (laugh) is going to subsidize not only yours but (laughs) everyone's in this room. So I’m not sure what we’re talking about here.

But Representative Jenkins knows exactly what this constituent is talking about. As a member of Congress, she already gets healthcare that is subsidized by the American people! That's what we're all talking about, you idiot. Later, Representative Jenkins calls getting a government handout of thousands of dollars a year to buy health insurance in the private market "being a grown up." Did she not listen to this constituent at all? She isn't a "burden on the state," and she doesn't want to be. She wants to be a self-sufficient grown up and have affordable and reliable health insurance for her and her family. Put on your listening ears, stop laughing at hard-working women, and stop claiming ignorance, Representative Jenkins. It's so not funny!

Correction

I just want the same healthcare Congress gets, minus Michelle Bachmann.