Sunday, July 25, 2010

A Day at Glenn Beck Elementary


By now, you have probably heard that Glenn Beck has started his own online university. Its motto is Faith, Hope, and Charity. Incidentally, a Sunday school teacher of mine from back in the day had a daughter with that very name. Isn't that nutty? Speaking of nutty, Glenn Beck has created an online university! It's not a real university where students earn credits, because college educations are for Communists and are at least the second most dangerous thing in America. Instead, it's just videos of three guys telling paid customers, called Insider Extremists, what hope, faith and charity are. Yes, three classes each on hope, faith, and charity. It should surprise no one that Glenn Beck thinks he has something to teach people who are old enough to use a credit card, because he's an egomaniac. In the interest of learning how to crawl before learning to walk, I think he should have created an elementary school first, because I don't think he's ready for higher learning. I wonder what a day at Glenn Beck Elementary would be like . . . .

In Language Arts, children would learn about such anti-Communist literary heroes as The Little Red Hen. You know her, right? She's the one who asked for help baking bread, and no one helped her. At the end of the story, she asks if anyone wants to help her eat the bread, and they all say "I do!" Then, she tells them all to go fuck themselves. The lesson is, they didn't help her make the bread, so they don't get to eat any of it. It's an important value to teach 6-year-olds to stop freeloading off of their parents and learn to use the stove themselves.

Then, it's time for Math. At Glenn Beck Elementary, being able to use numbers in one's daily life is very important. Students will be able to calculate how many illegal immigrants live in their neighborhoods, how many White babies they'll need to have to forestall brown folks becoming the majority, and how many webs of conspiracy theories one can make with a single box of chalk.

Only because this fascist state demands it, all of the students have to take Health. In an attempt to stick it to The Man, Glenn Beck Elementary school teachers tell kids the truth about nutrition. For example, the secret about candy is that it's really good for you. Dentists just say that sugar candy rots your teeth, because they want to keep all the candy for themselves. And people who exercise are the ones to blame for our nation's sky-rocketing healthcare costs, what with all their sport-related injuries. Oh, wait. That was Rush. Either way, no recess at Glenn Beck Elementary!

After Health comes Science, where students learn to separate fact from fiction. Evolution? Just a theory! Gravity? Just a theory! Climate change? Fascism! Thunder? Angels bowling!

The day is almost over, and now it's time for History. At Glenn Beck Elementary, students will learn about all of the great Americans that helped shape this country. There was civil rights hero Martin Luther King, Jr. He was kind of like Glenn Beck. And radical political thinker Thomas Paine. He was kind of like Glenn Beck too (Really? Whatever you say.). And one of our greatest founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin. That guy was a lot like Glenn Beck. And Revolutionary War hero Paul Revere. Just like Glenn Beck.

But really. Any old school teaches history. What makes Glenn Beck Elementary so great is that the kids in that school learn Future. In Future class, students will learn how Glenn Beck will reclaim the civil rights movement for White folks. Glenn Beck Elementary students will also be challenged to imagine what America will look like this Christmas, and next Christmas. And your children will surely get an A+ in Future, because name one damn thing that Glenn Beck has said that hasn't happened!

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