15 Easy Steps to Achieve Complete Insanity

Who doesn't love a good list? I make a list of things to do every day. But OK! magazine's 15 Tips for Getting (and Keeping) a Guy is so ridiculous that I nearly peed myself. The four-page article is actually written with country singer and American Idol winner (should've been Bo, damnit) Carrie Underwood, which is funny in itself. If she or any other woman seriously attempted these tips, the only guy she'd get and keep is the one dragging her off to the psych ward. The contradictions in this list, if followed, are enough to make anybody go mental.

1. Be confident -- or fake it! . . . [Relationship expert Matt] Titus suggests repeating this mantra: "My self-confidence, self-esteem and overall image of who I am will not be shaped by the opinions of men. If a guy doesn't like me because of the way I look or the way I am, there must be somthing wrong with him!"

Did I mention all the tips are in pink? *sigh* Anyway, you know when a list starts out like this, the rest of it's going to be about how you should judge yourself on the opinions of men and that there's something wrong with you if you can't "get and keep" one. I mean, isn't that the whole point of this list anyway?

2. It's okay to be one of the guys . . . [B]urping and ordering double cheesburgers while screaming for your favorite team needs to be part of your personality that he sees after that "girly girl" side.

But don't be too confident and don't be too much like one of the guys because . . . .

3. Unfortunately, men really are that shallow when it comes to your body . . . [N]o guy wants to date a woman who looks like a 12-year-old boy. Men love curves.

Pffffffffffffff. That's the sound of the self-esteem of the women who take this seriously deflating. Let's skip ahead.

7. Focus on him. When you're on a date, act like the person you're with is the only person in the world . . . Plus, guys are competitive and insecure . . . .

Act like he's the only person in the world, huh? In other words, brush up on your impression of a a coat rack. And because your guy is so insecure, be sure to . . . .

8. Don't panic if he doesn't call. In the beginning, you must make him believe he is an afterthought.

If your insecure man survives the rejection, congratulations! You're ready to move to step 9!

9. Don't rush him. We call the words "Where is this going?" the Final Four . . . Never utter these words if you want to keep him around. Men will go running if they think there is pressure on them.

Conversely, if you want to get rid of a guy, ask "Where is this going?" Better yet, make it the Final Five and add "honey" somewhere in the this sentence. But if you really want to get rid of him, I can think of some other four-word sentences to send him packing -- "I have genital herpes." "I voted for Bush." "I'm a radical feminist." And, if it's even possible at this point . . . .

13. Learn to love yourself first! When a woman loves her body, it's the sexiest thing in the world. Men love a woman who doesn't dive into the corner and hide behind the drapes when the lights go on.

You know, you really should have told me this ten steps ago, before I was told that men are that shallow when it comes to my body.

In short, if you want to get and keep a guy, you have to be confident (or at least hate yourself in secret), stuff your face, but not too much, or else your body won't be beautiful enough for your shallow man to like, but love the body you have, no matter how it looks, and do this all for the judgmental asshat who is, in reality, just as insecure as you are now that you've finished reading this list.