The Palins: The New Traditional Family

Disclaimer: This post is going to be about Bristol Palin and her pregnancy. Some might say, "Kids are off the table! How can you be talking about such personal affairs?" Well, as long as the contents of my uterus are on Sarah Palin's table, so will the contents of Bristol's.

What if the religious conservatives actually practiced what they preached? For one, Master of Asshatery James Dobson of Focus on the [Heterosexual] Family wouldn't be having an orgasm over Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, getting pregnant out of wedlock:

That is what the Palins are doing, and they should be commended once again for not just talking about their pro-life and pro-family values, but living them out even in the midst of trying circumstances.

Hold the phone, "Doctor." I thought pro-life and pro-family values were all about abstinence until straight marriage and whatnot. That's what Dobson and the Palin family want to shove down everybody's throat. The thing is, Dobson, the Palins, and other abstinence-only advocates know that abstinence-until-marriage education doesn't work in delaying sexual activity. That's why conservative Christians have to redefine a traditional family to fit what's happening to America's new favorite pro-life family and the rest of the real world. It's encouraging that they've finally caught up, isn't it?

So what is the new traditional family? Well, it's a lot like the old traditional family -- but with more surprises!

1. It's still heterosexual. Very heterosexual. Not only does the new traditional husband and wife have lots of kids, even those kids are having kids. Let's just say the walls in the governor's mansion have to be really thick to accomodate the new tradtional family.

2. There are still grandparents. But where the old traditional grandparents are usually in their 60's, the new traditional grandparents are in their 40's. Looks like Sarah Palin is going to need one of these T-shirts.

3. The extended family is important to the old traditional family, so aunts and uncles are in the new traditional family too. And the new tradtional family just can't wait to grow. Bristol Palin couldn't even wait a year to give new baby brother Trig a niece or nephew!

4. And lastly, the new traditional family is still made up of hypocrites. They still want to push their values of abstinence-until-marriage on the country without practicing them themselves. They still want to push their anti-choice agenda on American women, even though they believe their own pregnancies are their personal business. Now those are some family values!