Pro-Lie Legislation (that's not a typo)

via The Washington Post

For women in South Dakota, getting an abortion just got more difficult.

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit last week lifted a preliminary injunction that prevented the language from taking effect. A spokesman for Planned Parenthood, which runs the state's only abortion clinic, said doctors will begin reciting the script to patients as early as this week.

In addition to having to view an ultrasound picture of the embryo, women seeking abortion in South Dakota will have to be told the following things no eariler than 2 hours before the procedure:

1. That the abortion will terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique,
   living human being;
2. That [the patient]has an existing relationship with that unborn human
   being and that the relationship enjoys protection under the United States
   Constitution and under the laws of South Dakota;
3. That by having an abortion, her existing relationship and her existing
   constitutional rights with regards to that relationship will be
   terminated . . .
4. That there is an increased risk of depression and suicide after abortion
   

None of these statements are unequivocally true. The fourth statement is 100% false, while the rest are, at best, matters of opinion. And notice how no such legislation exists for women who choose to give birth. Don't they need to be coerced, guilt-tripped, and lied to as well? I think so. That's why I propose the following legislation. Like South Dakota's law, this one will not be confined by things like facts or observable reality.

During every prenatal visit at a doctor's office, pregnant women must watch an episode of Supernanny. Then, they must be given the following information:

1. Many more women die from childbirth than from abortion.

2. 100% of women who have ever suffered from post-partum depression and post-partum psychosis have given birth soon before the onset of their symptoms.

3. Kids are fucking expensive.

4. Giving birth too many times can make your vagina turn inside out.

5. Giving birth causes baby unicorns to get run over by landscapers on their giant riding lawnmowers, which, in turn, causes lightning to strike one of your loved ones. The jury's still out on whether or not the lightning strikes kills that loved -- but do you really want to take that chance?!

6. If you have a kid, there's a chance a Republican president will send her or him to fight, and possibly die, in a senseless war that kills 10 times more civilians than actual enemies.

7. Hannah Montana, Flavor Flav, That's Amore, Tila Tequila, Tyra Banks, Dr. Phil, Maury, Hogan Knows Best, Rock of Love, Ron Paul. Now do you want to bring a child into this scary world? Didn't think so!

In this legislation, "vagina" is defined as "a woman's down there lady parts, or hoo-ha."